Best You Never Had
by Dempsey Dreamer
Summary: Mer/Der AU ...
1. Chapter 1

_**I've never wrote an a/n before so not sure what to really say... **_

_**But I've lurked around this site since the start of season 3 and have become hooked on fan fiction but this is my first attempt at writing so I only hope you'll give my story a try... Also I'd be really grateful for any pointers in how you think I can improve my writing!**_

_**Obviously I don't own anything, only borrowing and this is just for fun though I wouldn't mind owning Patrick of course!**_

**_Goodbye_**

Stood with his back to the room Derek Shepherd stared out of the kitchen window into the darkness beyond. Stuck in the midst of his own personal misery unable to feel an ounce of the happiness, or understand it of the crowd of family and friends surrounding him.

Over and over the voice in his head demanded to know what was there to be so happy about. How was he supposed to smile, to wish Meredith well when he didn't want her to leave. When her leaving meant he would lose his best friend, and that he had failed in the promise he had once made to her .

Derek wasn't sure if she remembered the words he had whispered that night, but he couldn't forget. Nor the way she had looked at him, full of trust and a certainty that even though he was still a child himself he held all the answers. The little girl with long blonde hair, large green eyes that he had felt such a pull too. Who had seemed to have no one. A feeling so unfamiliar to him that he had found her loneliness almost unbearable. It was then and there that he had decided Meredith Grey was his to protect, to take care of, and to make sure she never felt as alone as she did then.

Every day for the past twenty two years he had tried his best to honour those words. That promise made easier in that she had despite the five year age gap become his best friend. A friendship so deep he had never experienced another that came close.

There was Mark his brother, Claire his wife but somehow it was never the same. With Meredith everything was different. No one knew him as well or in the same way. She made him laugh, she made him feel that nothing was as bad as it seemed, that he could accomplish or overcome anything. She was his glue and Derek knew his life without her just wouldn't be the same.

It scared him, the thought that he honestly didn't know who he was without her terrified him. As everyone had been reminding him for the last two weeks they had spent periods of time apart before. Through his time away at school and more recently her own but this time it was different. He could feel it, see it in her, in every fight they had had over the past two weeks about her move. It was as if she was pulling away from him and for the first time he had no idea how to reach her to pull her back.

Feeling that way really was new for them, new for him, it was unsettling. This was certainly not the first time they had fallen out. They had disagreed in the past over millions of things. The boy's she dated, girls he dated, clothes she wore or rather didn't and with Ellis Grey as a mother Meredith had gone through so much, yet there had never been a moment he hadn't instinctively known what she needed from him.

It hadn't been one way either, when at his lowest in the dark months after losing his father it was her that had stayed with him day and night. Who didn't give up when everyone else ran out of ideas or ways to reach him. His life had suddenly turned dark and without his Dad he hadn't known how to go on. It had been Meredith who took him by the hand and was the strong one. The reversal of their original roles.

The thought of his father made Derek's chest only tighten further. Without a doubt he was sure what his father would have thought if he was here with them now. He would have hated the way he was treating Meredith. Disappointment would have been clear in the blue eyes that his own mirrored so completely. Just like his mother and sisters had over the past two weeks he would have called him out on it.

Christopher would have told him to be proud of their little Mer, to celebrate her being accepted into the number two teaching program in the country and to not punish her for it. Derek was proud of her though, proud that she was on her way to becoming all that he had known she would be, he just wanted her to do it here.

Letting out a sigh he wondered briefly how long before he could escape or if in any way an escape would be possible. It took only the briefest of seconds to realise after the phone calls he had had to endure from his disapproving mother and four sisters, his life wouldn't be worth living if he didn't stay. Let alone the reaction of Claire.

Claire his wife of six years who at the family dinner when Meredith had announced her intentions had been the first to congratulate her. Whilst he had sat dumbstruck unable to process anything more Meredith was saying apart from that she was leaving . Before he had without a word stormed from his mother's house. Even then trying to imagine how his life would work without Meredith's so important presence.

Claire's laugh was bitter when he had voiced that thought to her a few hours later as she'd demanded to know what part she then played in his life. He had tried to explain the difference, yet it had only ended in a row. A row that had continued on and off also for the past fourteen days.

As a giggle he would know anywhere reached him above the laughter and chatter that surrounded him Derek felt his fingers tighten around the glass of scotch in his hand. Any other time it would bring an instant smile to his face. Tonight however it caused his frown to deepen, the ball of misery around his heart to twist that little tighter. Yet as hard as he tried he was unable to stop himself from turning around. His unhappiness didn't stop the crowd around him from disappearing as his gaze centred for only a second on her before he dragged his eyes away. Sure that if he allowed the green eyes to hold his for too he would inevitably despite everything forgive her.

Forgive the fact that she was leaving him in only a week for an internship program on the other side of the country. An internship that he had expected her to spend as they had always planned following in his footsteps. One that would keep her here in New York close to the family that had claimed her as their own when she was little more than five years old. One that wouldn't take her away from him.

At Meredith's side was his mother but Derek wasn't quite sure it would be safe for him to hold her gaze either. It was his mother throwing this party, opening up her house to celebrate her adopted daughters accomplishments the same way both of his parents had opened their hearts to her and she was Meredith's most loyal supporter.

Meredith's laughter died on her lips the moment the pair of miserable blue eyes grazed over her for an all to fleeting second. The expression in them one Meredith was learning to recognise, yet still hurt so much to see especially coming from him.

"He hates me. I don't want him to hate me."

Her broken whisper was directed to the older woman at her side. The woman that she was pretty sure she owed everything too. The great Ellis Grey may have given her life but it was Caroline Shepherd who had done the rest. All the motherly neutering that Ellis hadn't seen as necessary Meredith had found here.

"He doesn't hate you. He hates the thought of losing you."

Caroline reassured not looking away from the bent head of her only son as her hand squeezed the slim shoulder of the young woman beside her.

Meredith Grey was as much her daughter as the four she had given birth too. Christopher she knew had felt the exact same. Meredith had had a very special corner of Christopher's heart all of her own. Forever claiming that place when she had looked up at him, and asked in all seriousness if he knew when her father would be coming for her.

The question had came a week after Ellis Grey had moved her and Meredith into the house opposite theirs. A week in which they had spent watching Meredith often long after they had put their own children to bed not move from the front steps of her house. Her eyes not wavering from the road with a fixed look of a mixture of hope and longing.

Ellis had never seemed to be home, leaving Meredith instead with what they had assumed to be a nanny. A nanny who made countless unsuccessful attempts to bring her inside every night. The one time she had seemed to have won the battle, they hadn't had time to move away from the window before the little girl had come shooting back through the door. This time sitting down with her arms crossed, a stubborn set to her mouth as she stared down the road.

It had been down to Derek that they had approached sooner rather than later. The girls had lost interest after the first two nights along with Mark. Derek however hadn't followed his friend or sisters example. Instead he had stood alongside his father watching her every move, as if he was standing guard.

The night in question Derek had watched the rain begin to fall, his stance growing stiffer the harder the rain fell and Meredith still didn't leave her spot. Her only movement had been to draw her legs up to her chest, arms clasped around them, long blonde hair falling to hide most of her face from their view and to offer some protection from the rain.

Derek with a sigh and a look of responsibility that out aged his ten years creeping into his usual playful blue eyes had snatched up a throw from the couch and one of his sisters pink umbrella from the hall closet and left the house. Her and Christopher silently following him out to the porch, watching as he crossed the road with a determined stride.

Without a single word Derek had pushed the now open umbrella into her small hands before draping the throw around her tiny frame. Only then had he sat down beside her and started to speak. To this day neither had told her what was said, but what she would never forget were the words Derek had spoken to them on his return to their side before he had pulled them across the street to her.

"_Meredith. Her name is Meredith Grey, and she's waiting for her Daddy to come. I don't think he is coming. Her Mom's a surgeon, she's at the hospital so she doesn't have anyone. We have a lot of people, she needs us to be her family. She needs us to love her."_

Derek's words had rang in both their ears as they had followed him across the street and twenty-two years on Caroline could still picture those heartbreakingly lonely green eyes. How warily they had looked her and Christopher over. Meredith's body edging further back from them with every passing second until Derek had crouched down beside her. Removing the umbrella from her tightly clenched fists to hold it above them both as his other clasped her now empty hand in a reassuring grip. The green eyes had returned to Derek only for certain, complete trust to flare in their depths and with confidence she had then turned back to face them.

"_I'm waiting for my Daddy. He promised he'd see me soon." _

It was that moment Meredith had turned her sole attention to Christopher and Christopher had told her later in bed that he lost his heart.

"_Your a daddy, I think a good one so do you know how long he'll be?"_

An older version of that exact same voice broke into Caroline's memories now, bringing her back to the present.

"He's not losing me. He wont lose me, but I can't be around, I just ... Well it was an offer I cant refuse."

Caroline didn't miss the way Meredith had stumbled over her words, but knew it would do her no good to broach the subject. To question further why Meredith had jumped at the chance at the of a place in Seattle rather than stay here as she had always planned. Her enquiry would only be met with a stubborn refusal to discuss it further or voice aloud what she was certain Meredith felt for Derek.

It was that same notorious stubbornness that had kept her keeping vigil for her father for a further six months. The only difference she had done it with Derek at her side.

In the months to come would be the first time that he wouldn't be there. Throughout their times at different colleges and med school's they had both made the countless trips back and forth. Not even changing with Derek starting his own surgical residency or his relationship, then marriage to Claire.

Caroline was sure whatever they had said to each other that wet night had caused an unbreakable bond that only now was really being put to the test. For the past two weeks since Meredith had declared her intention Caroline knew they had argued more than they ever had before. Derek openly angry whilst Meredith did her best to hide her hurt from them all.

"I have to go. I do."

Meredith said, reminding herself again that what she was doing was right for the both of them whether Derek understood it or not.

"I know."

Caroline assured and Meredith found herself staring into a pair of all knowing brown eyes . Before a denial could fall from Meredith's lips Caroline spoke again. "But that won't stop us missing you." "I'll miss you all too. You're my family, this is my home ... I wish I..." Meredith trailed off as a warm male voice made a very welcome interruption, stopping her from revealing too much as the urge to ramble and bear everything started to take over. "There you are! Come with me Grey I have my very own personal goodbye to share with you and an old friend of ours." There was no time for her to react or attempt to stop Mark pulling Meredith away, leaving her alone watching her son. Caroline hesitated only for another second before crossing to him. Following Mark's example Caroline took hold of Derek's arm pulling him into the utility room and firmly shutting the door before he had chance to react or to protest.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd you will snap out of this right now. You will go rescue Meredith from wherever Mark has dragged her off to and then you will apologise to her. Do you understand me?"

"I cant."

"You can and you will. That girl has been has been in your life for twenty two years. Always on your side, standing by you through everything and you owe her this."

"So I owe it to lie to her then is that what you want? I have never lied to her, not once and I refuse to start now. She is making a mistake. Seattle has nothing for her whilst we have everything that should make her want to stay. We are her family, this is her home not a city she left when she was five..."

Derek insisted whilst wishing he had escaped earlier. Unable to believe he hadn't seen this type of attack coming.

"Her mother..."

Caroline started to retell one of the reasons Meredith had given them, one Derek had not stayed long enough to hear the first time around.

"Her mother nothing, The residential homes are just as good here as they are in Seattle and she owes that woman nothing because Meredith's welfare has certainly never troubled her!"

"Derek you are hurting Meredith more by treating her like this, not changing her mind only hurting her. You are my son, you are your fathers son and I know that is the last thing our son would want. In all these years I have never known you to want to hurt her ... In fact up till this moment you have done everything to protect her. "

His mother's words stung and Derek had to force the lump in his throat aside to make it possible to give her an answer that would some how explain.

"I don't want her to leave Mom. This wasn't what we had planned. Claire doesn't get it nor do the girls, I'm not even sure Mark does but she wont have anyone there."

For the first time in two weeks blue eyes met brown and didn't look away.

"She'll be alone again."

"Oh son..."

"I don't want her to feel like that, I don't want her to be lonely again..."

"Derek, Meredith knows we love her. That this is her home. That there is always a bed or a place around the table for her here or in anyone of yours or your sisters homes."

"What about me Mom? What do I do without her? "

He sounded more vulnerable than Caroline had heard him in a long time. Not since that day in the hospital when the doctors had told them there was no more they could do. That Christopher wouldn't be waking up from the coma the lone bullet had put him in.

It had been the summer before he started at Columbia and he had literally changed before her eyes. With drawing from them all into himself, out of reach from any more pain except from Meredith. At nineteen she had showed a maturity and selflessness beyond her years. Letting her own need to grieve for the father figure she had openly loved so deeply be pushed aside as she had consumed herself in Derek's. Caroline had wondered then if some good would come out of those month's by bringing them together but not long after Derek had met Claire. She liked Claire, and she knew Derek loved his wife but she couldn't help but suspect whether Derek knew it or not he might share in what was driving Meredith away.

Now however was not the time and reaching out a hand she stroked the stubbled cheek. The dark shadows under the blue eyes that matched the ones circling Meredith's green too pronounced to miss.

"It's okay to miss her Derek. It's okay to feel lost but you shouldn't punish her for trying to move on!"

"What do you mean move on? Move on from what?"

Caroline realised her mistake the moment the words were out of her mouth and hastily tried to cover her steps.

"In life Derek, move on with her life. She's not five any more, she's not a child, she is a grown woman with her own life to lead."

"She could do that here. With me, with us, there is no need to go to Seattle!"

"I'm going to miss her too. If I could I would ask her to stay but I can't and won't and nor should you."

Taking hold of Derek's hand she squeezed it.

"You are the most important person in her life and even if it's not what you want you have to do this. Let her go with your approval otherwise you will damage what you claim is so important to you. You will damage it , not Meredith and then you really will have lost her."

Staring into the brown eyes Derek tried to imagine doing as she wanted.

"I just don't understand Mom. I know her, I know her, I know how she thinks I always have, but right now it feels like I don't..."

Caroline had no answer for him and he knew it as he slowly let his head drop onto her shoulder. Less like the thirty two year old man on his way to being the best Neuro surgeon in the country, more the ten year old boy who had first brought Meredith into their lives.

After escaping Mark with his tequila bottle in hand Meredith crossed the road to the house that had once been her mothers. Never a home for her, the only home she'd ever had was the one she had just left, yet tonight she felt drawn here. The party hadn't felt the same after Derek's clear rejection and now she found herself returning to where he had first come into her life.

There was no car in the driveway so without worry of being disturbed by the family that lived there now she sat down on the third step, the exact same step she had always chose before. The tequila bottle resting beside her as her fingers ran fleetingly over the smooth wood before they found their place drawing her knees up to her body as she stared across the street at the lone figure stood watching her.

There was no mistaking who it was. No other man caused her skin to tingle in this way with a look. No other man had ever been able to look at her like Derek could. It was as if he could see right down to her soul. She didn't need to be able to see his face for her to know he was wearing that exact same mixture of hurt and confusion that he had in the kitchen.

For a brief moment she was sure he was going to turn away right up until he took a step forward. A flash back to twenty two years ago when he had first crossed this road, changing her life forever.

Derek had taught her to trust. Him and his family had taught her how to love and there was no one more important in her life, there never had been.

Yet somehow along the way that friendship, the closeness and instinctive knowledge of the other had for her turned into something completely different. There was no way to pin point when it had happened it was just suddenly there. Changing everything, turning her whole world upside down. At first she had been sure it would simply disappear back to where it had came from if she avoided it for long enough. It hadn't happened though no matter how hard she had tried to distract herself with other men. Men unable to compete with Derek, a married Derek with a wife that she found hard to hate.

Her decision to leave had made itself when she had opened the offer from Seattle. Though she had known he would be upset she had never expected for him to react this way.

"I don't understand this, I don't agree with it and I don't think I ever will. I don't, but you are my best friend."

His voice reached her before he did, it sounded tired and there was none of the anger she had recently become accustomed too. Taking that as a sign of a glimmer of hope Meredith opened her mouth to speak only for him to shake his head.

"Don't speak. If you speak we'll argue and I can't argue with you any more Mer."

Her teeth biting down into her lip to stop herself Meredith nodded.

"We met on this step. You were waiting for your dad, you were five and you were lost. I didn't understand it but I felt it. You looked at me with those big green eyes and said all you wanted was a family. You wanted your dad and you wanted your Mom to come home. You hated being on your own because you got scared."

As he spoke Derek took the same seat beside her he had all those years ago however this time there was miles of distance between them. A distance neither knew how to fix as he talked over what they never had before.

"I promised you that I would be your friend, that we would be your family... That you didn't have to be scared any more because you had me."

"I remember."

Meredith breathed unable to stop herself any longer.

"I asked if you were my prince, I was obsessed with fairy tales because my Mom would never read them to me but the Nanny did as a bribe...... You said no, that you were a knight not a prince, knights were cooler..."

Derek nodded along to her words, the first smile in week gracing his lips before it fell.

"I don't want you to be alone again Mer. I don't want to be thousands of miles away. I don''t want this..."

"Derek..."

"So I can't tell you it's okay, that I'm happy for you! I don't believe you when you list off your so called reasons. I know you, I know when you lie and that's what your doing but I don't know why."

Meredith had no answer for him. He was right she couldn't lie to him but neither could she tell him the truth.

"But I can't argue any more. It hurts to argue with you so go, go to Seattle and I'll still be here. Whatever this is that's making you go I'm keeping my promise I' am still here!"

Derek turned in time to see the tears that welled in the green eyes and was unable to stop himself from moving closer. His arm going about her shoulders as he pulled her into the warmth of his body.

"What is it Mer. Please tell me... Is it Thatcher, are you going for him?"

He asked his voice low as he broached a subject they hadn't for a long time. Derek knew all that was really left from that part of her life was little more than a memory of a man that used to pour her cereal in the morning.

"No. No the only father I ever had or will ever want was Christopher Shepherd .."

She spoke the truth, it was there clear in her voice. She had loved his father, hero worshipped him and his death had devastated her as it had them all.

"Then what? Is it that jerk you were seeing because I swear I'll..."

Derek demanded suddenly remembering the man Mark had mentioned seeing with her the last time he had travelled up to Dartmouth when Derek had been unable to go with him.

"No it's not Jamie, that's over and so will Mark's life be..."

Anger surged into her voice and Derek knew he had to speak before he lost all of her attention.

"Mer please..."

It was that look. The look she was unable to refuse. The tilting of his head, the softness of his blue eyes now laced with worry. The way her name sounded more like a breath passing his lips. It was her weakness.

"I love you."

It was out before she could stop it. Three words she had said to him so many times before but never with the same meaning as they were meant now. He looked shocked for only a second before warmth filled the blue eyes.

"I know you do and I love you too... But I'm clueless here so please tell me why you feel the need to leave..."

His words stung. It sent a stabbing pain through her and only emphasised the point why she couldn't do this anymore. She loved him. Loved him in a huge terrifying way but he didn't not in the way she wanted. That was a fact she couldn't live with anymore not until she was sure she could be just his Mer again.

"Please Derek... Go back inside, say sorry to Claire because she's pissed at you and at me for some reason and make nice with Nancy and Kathleen before they actually commit your murder... You said you'll be here so okay."

"But your not."

"I will be."

"Okay."

Derek breathed still unable to understand what was suddenly pulling her away from him but knowing her well enough to know she had given all she was going too. With a nod he raised to his feet and opened his arms, hating that look in her eyes as she hesitated before stepping in to his hold. Closing his arms he rocked her back and forth for a moment before bending his head to brush her hair with his lips.

"Just come home soon I miss you already."

**_Is this the end are you sure  
How should you know when you've never been here before  
It's so hard to just let go  
When this is the one and only love I've ever known_**

**_So how do you find the words to say  
To say goodbye  
If your heart don't have the heart to say  
To say goodbye_**

_**So that was the first Chapter and if you like it and want more PLEASE review and let me know or even if you hated it I'd be welcome to any ideas!!!! **_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Wow. Wow Wow**_

_**I never expected such a response and I'm very flattered and just want to thank you all so much for all your great comments... I appreciated every single one and hope you enjoy this chapter just as much. **_

_**In fact this chapter has been ready since Thurs but I have been so nervous about disappointing anyone that I re-edited this about a hundred times... But I am holding my hands up in defeat and posting before I delete it and start over!**_

_**So this is the second part to the introduction of the story and I hope you just continue to give this story a chance and that you're not too disappointed!**_

_**I own nothing, just borrowing...**_

_**Chapter 2**_

_**Where Do We Go From Here**_

For the first time that he could really remember Derek found it impossible to find even the littlest enjoyment in the constant chatter, good natured banter, and laughter that was the result of when his sisters, and their families gathered together en mass for the monthly Saturday night dinner. What he did feel instead was the overwhelming desire to be alone, a few moments by himself to just breathe. To not have their eyes on him, watching every move he made with concern. It was that need that lead him to one of the few empty rooms in his mothers home, her kitchen.

Tonight, here in what had been essentially Meredith's home he felt her absence more than ever. The constant nagging that there was something missing, another member of the family that should be here with them all. One who would have rolled her eyes good naturedly at Claire and Nancy's snobbery and bitchiness. Would have teased Beth and Sophie with Mark, allowed Kathleen to play the shrink on her, and would have ran around the house with the younger children playing hide and seek.

Through out dinner with the place beside him Meredith had always took now occupied by his brother in law Jack he had wondered if anyone else had noticed the difference. Felt the disappointment of knowing that at no point Meredith would suddenly fly through the front door. Throwing her arms around him, Mark or his mother depending on who was closest. Her face alight with warmth that clearly said how glad she was to be home.

His mother did he was sure, and during the meal he had looked up numerous times to find her concerned gaze continuously resting on him. Somehow her gaze was less intrusive than that of the others. He knew in their eyes he wasn't acting himself but he didn't really know who that was any more. Since the age of ten he had had Meredith at his side and at thirty two he wasn't sure how to do all this without her.

The one place he had found that made it possible to escape was work. He would bury himself in his patients and for those few hours scrubbed into an OR he could pretend that everything in his world was fine. It would last right up until he came down from the surgical high and remembered Meredith was not on hand to share it with. There was Claire of course but not being a surgeon she didn't feel that addiction to wield a scalpel and though Mark did it wasn't the same as sharing it with Meredith. Meredith who shared his love of all things Neuro, who got as excited about an open brain or exposed spinal cord as he did.

Mark however had taken to hunting him down through out the day, taking rare time off from his perusal of the female inhabitants of the hospital. Then after their shifts dragging him across to the local bar or accompanying him home for dinner with Claire. It was almost as if he was on a mission to make sure he wasn't alone for long and Derek couldn't help but be grateful for the extra company.

Barely had he crossed the threshold of the kitchen when Derek found himself dragged from his thoughts to be mesmerized by the new additions to the artwork on his mother's oversized refrigerator. No longer any white to see, every inch was covered in handiwork of his nine nieces and five nephews. Yet right in the middle was two items that definitely was not of their making.

One was a photo, a photo that made his fingers tremble as they plucked it from it's position of pride. It was her, Meredith laughing into the camera as with her free hand she pointed at the famous landmark behind her. Derek found himself searching her face with a hungry need. It was hard to see past the wide smile, yet he was sure he saw something captured in the moment in her all too expressive green eyes. He wanted to believe it was a simple trick of light but he knew better. It was pain, it was loneliness and it wasn't masked by the smile obviously put their for his mothers benefit. Unable to bear looking at it Derek snatched at the postcard, baring the official picture of the space needle little more than a cursory glance as he flicked it other, impatient to see her familiar scrawl.

"_As ordered I played the tourist! Though I'm not sure someone born in a city can be a tourist...?_"

"It came today with the photo. Not much to read, but I hear all the rest when she calls."

"She leaves me voice mails."

Derek spoke without turning around. His eyes now returned to Meredith's face, this time unable to look away. His sober blue eyes filled with need travelled down over the lavender sweater he recognised as last years Christmas present from Nancy. Simple, practical belying the price tag he was sure had come with it but the colour was her. Soft, feminine without being overly girlie which was something Meredith had never been.

A lack of that so called quality, that his sisters often laid at his door. For teaching her how to play baseball, basketball and soccer while other little girls her age were playing with their dolls. Whilst his sisters had wanted to dress her up, style her long blond hair he had only had to hold out his hand and she would leave them to follow in whatever he and Mark wanted, much to their combined disdain.

That was the pattern that had followed through out the years. Meredith loved each of his four sisters and looked forward to spending time with them but when it came down to it she was much happier with him and Mark. It was just their way and he wished more than anything that it still worked the same. That knowing she was leaving him, could have played a part in changing her mind about Seattle. It hadn't however and now here he was in his mother's kitchen unable to tear his eyes from a photo of her for a moment.

The simple photo that captured her in an instant, a moment in time he wished he had been with her to share. If he was there she wouldn't have needed to feel alone. Her smile would have reached right to her eyes and he would have been able to look at the photo and enjoy the memories it evoked without the lingering uneasiness.

"I thought you made your peace. Didn't you listen to anything I said that night?"

"I did, I told her I would be here... Yet she still only calls when she knows I won't answer."

A finger reached out and slowly traced over the face. From the hair he knew felt like silk when he ran his fingers through it. Individual strands that could look so many different colours varying from blonde to red to brown depending on how the light hit it. Over the delicate bone structure, the lips that produced a smile he could never resist to the stubborn chin.

The chin that his father had always used to cup in his fingers when she had stood in front of him, hands on hips copying his mother perfectly in stance as she'd ordered him around. Taking over the mother role whenever she had accompanied them on their monthly fishing trips.

To say that he missed Meredith was an understatement of the biggest kind. What he had expected to feel had not even prepared him for the reality of her being gone. He felt her absence everywhere not just here in his mothers home. From in the apartment he shared with Claire that Meredith had always treated as her own. The spare room that had been less of a guest room and more her own. The closets that some of her spare clothes she had kept for over night trips still hung in, toiletries in the en suite bathroom that if he smelt he could almost believe she was still there. Most of all however he just felt it in himself.

Her voice mails were his lifeline, even if she seemed to fill the few minutes with talk of the hospital he clung to them. To hear her experiences, experiences he wished he was on hand to share. After her first shift she had called and in the moment she was reeling of the story of her first time in the OR he had closed his eyes and it was as if she was right there telling him in person.

"Why don't you call her?"

Caroline asked as if it was the most simple thing in the world as she took the postcard from his lax fingers and returned it to the fridge. Maybe it was , it was certainly something that crossed his mind numerous times every day. The thoughts fuelled by jealousy of the way Mark had no inhibitions about sitting down in the cafeteria and plucking his phone from his lab coat pocket and dialling her number or sending texts back and forth.

That was the way they were meant to be, not stuck in this awkward limbo. Yet he was scared, scared of pushing only to find everything they had once shared was gone. Snatched from him when he hadn't even known he was at risk of losing her.

"I don't want to lose her any more than I already have ..."

Caroline watched the intensity he was studying the photo with and felt her heart break. Not just for him but for the girl who rang here every day without fail clearly as miserable as her son. She herself unlike Derek understood completely why Meredith had done what she had, and in no way thought less of her for doing it. Instead she admired her strength even if that strength had took her away from them all.

Life wasn't black and white and she was sure falling for Derek was never something Meredith had wanted or planned. Nor was this her way of testing Derek or pushing him to feel something in her absence, this she knew was the only solution Meredith had seen. Yet she only wished it wasn't causing them both so much pain. Over the past month she had watched their relationship deteriorate and a part of her felt guilty for not stepping in sooner, for stopping it going so far but that would have meant exposing Meredith in a way that would destroy the mother and daughter like bond that Caroline cherished.

It wasn't even as if Meredith had openly admitted her feeling either. It was what she had seen and felt as she had watched them together. It had been nothing obvious, more a lingering of those expressive green eyes, resting on Derek in a way Caroline had recognised. It reminded her of the way she had used to look at Christopher. Then the way Meredith would turn away from an expression of affection between husband and wife. How her happiness had seemed to depend more and more on Derek's presence.

Though Meredith was trying to escape what she felt Caroline didn't see how completely removing Derek from her life would help either of them in the long run.

"She misses you Derek. The way you're feeling now, believe me Meredith is feeling it too. It is not all one way and I really do think leaving this avoidance to carry on is not going to help. You know Mer, you do know her, as much as it feels to the contrary now... She's still the same girl and look to her and Mark if you don't believe me..."

"They talk, email each other I know."

Derek murmured wondering if his mother knew Mark forwarded onto him every email Meredith had sent. That he reread them so many times he was pretty sure he could recite them word for word. The emails contained the smaller details she missed out on in her voice mails. Her annoyance with her two room mates, how strange it was being back in the house that had once been her own home. The little details that still made him feel a part of her life the way he wanted.

For the past twenty three days he had gone over every second of their last conversation, of the last few months trying to find that last piece of the puzzle. That piece that would make sense of this all, give him what he needed to make it possible to reach her again.

"No I meant his behaviour of late haven't you noticed something? When was the last time he attended a Saturday night dinner without one of you dragging him. When was the last time he spent every evening with you... ... "

Caroline watched realization drawn over her son's handsome face and gave a slow nod to show he wasn't mistaken,

"Mer asked him too..."

"Well knowing Mark Sloane I rather think bribed would be a better word. You should call her..."

"I should, I could always leave a voice mail."

"As long as you do call."

Caroline's instruction was followed by retreating footsteps. Footsteps that he waited to become silent before he pulled his cell phone from his pocket. Her number on speed dial, ringing her consisted simply of holding down the number one key. Listening to it ring as he eyes stayed glued to her face. His heart rate increasing rapidly at the sound of her voice as the call went to her voice mail greeting.

"It's me. I'm at Mom's but you're not... I just wanted to say hi, and that I miss you. I miss talking to you, telling you about my day, being a part of yours... I just miss you Mer."

Derek paused as he took a deep breath.

"So call me, not when you know I wont answer but when you're sure I will... I'm still here."

Closing the phone with a click Derek turned to find Claire stood in the doorway, an unreadable expression in her brown eyes as she watched him carefully reattach Meredith's photo to the fridge.

"Meredith?"

"Her voice mail."

"Ah..."

Claire murmured as she studied her husbands face not revealing that she knew that after hearing his whole message. Listening to it she had found herself wondering again if she would ever get used to having to share her husband with another woman.

When she had first met Derek, within his first few weeks at med school her first thought had been that he had a girlfriend with the frequency of the other woman's names in his conversations. There were times it still felt that way especially just lately. Though she was sure he didn't realise it Meredith often came first in every equation. It wasn't that she didn't like Meredith, because she did, but she couldn't hide from herself the rush of relief she had felt when Meredith had made clear her plans to move to Seattle. Their closeness disturbed her, it always had but not as much as Derek's behaviour this past month. It was almost her husband had left with Meredith.

"She'll call."

Claire said knowing it was what she was meant to say. Guilt leaving a bad taste in her mouth as she said the words. A not so little part of her didn't want Meredith to call. For once she wanted her husband to herself without having to share and compremise. Surely he couldn't stay this miserable forever. That he would learn that it was better with just the two of them.

"We've never gone this long without talking."

"I know. "

Claire nodded as she stepped into his arms, Derek absently kissing the top of her head as her mind raced for anyway to distract him.

Distract him from Meredith, distract him from the other woman who had such a hold over him. Leading up to their wedding she had thought once they were married everything would change. That with a little carefel pushing she could force some distance between them, make him see that she was the only woman he needed in his life. Those hopes had lasted right up untill the night before her wedding.

Meredith had attended the bachelor party leaving Claire free to do some investigating that she had never really dared to do before. She a little worse for wear had asked his youngest sister if anything had happened between them. Beth on the wrong side of sober also had after a moment's thought shook her head.

"_No, I think after Dad it could have, they were rarely apart then but it didn't! He loves her, he's protective and god help a man that hurt her, but it's not quite brotherly either. They're Meredith and Derek. Come as a pair, or a threesome with Mark thrown in... Why? You're not jealous are you?"_

She had straight away denied it but Beth's blue eyes so much like her brothers had suddenly seeming a lot clearer.

"_That's good. I like you, you love my baby brother and he loves you but Mer and him... Well it's important to him and I think if it ever came down to it, to a choice it would always be Mer..."_

That seemed to be the running theme through out the whole Shepherd family and it was hard not to be jealous. By now she had mastered how to hide it not wanting to ever put to test Beth's theory not when the odds seemed to be so stacked against her. What sometimes made it even harder was the fact she did like Meredith Grey, she really did, she just didn't like how much her husband did.

"It's harder than I thought..." Derek's addmittance was said into her hair and Claire found her arms tightening in their hold on him.

"It'll get easier."

"You think so?"

Derek asked as he pulled away his eyes going over Claire's dark head, returning to the photograph and the green eyes staring back.

"I'm not so sure right now..."

The whispered words she knew were said without thinking caused fear to pool in her stomach. For the first time a realisation hit her that her husband might just not know any more than her what place Meredith Grey really held in his own heart.

There was no way to compete with the type of history they shared, or the place Meredith held in his family but their marriage she had always thought was theirs and theirs alone until now. She could imagine the expressions on her girl friends faces if they knew just how her husband was pining after a woman that was not his wife. Not the woman he had promised to share his life with but instead the girl who he seemed to not be able to live without.

* * *

Stepping into the car park of the bar Meredith listened to the voice mail that she had purposefully avoided but had been unable to delete for the last two hours. At the first hint of his deep voice every barrier she had thought she had built crumbled.

The pain that it held, the echo's of the loneliness she felt herself every single day made her want nothing more than to jump on the first plane back home. Return to him, to the home she had always found with him, but knew it was impossible. Impossible to put her heart through it again. To carry on loving him this way when he wasn't hers to love. When she was over it, when she was sure she could just be his 'Mer' again that's when she knew she could go back.

"You look sad."

The male voice made her jump and Meredith stared through the sheen of tears to handsome face that was slowly becoming familiar to her. Not as familiar as a pair of startling blue eyes. The forehead with a scar on that she could trace with her little finger, and still feel the shudder from the memories of the blood that had once spilled from it. Or the nose that had been broken twice. Once by a baseball, and the other from her own as he called them tiny ineffectual fists when she had been twelve and Derek had decided to give her lessons in self defence.

It was however a face she was seeing a lot of since arriving in Seattle. Whether that was here at the bar after her shifts or at the hospital. A few years ahead of her in the program he had seemed to have developed a habit of being in the same place at the same time as her.

"I am." Meredith nodded feeling no need to hide it, not when they had played out this conversation before.

"Home sick, that was the excuse last night and the night before..."

His voice had a slight east coast accent and Meredith found hearing it made her feel that little less alone and it kept her where she was rather than making a hast retreat like she had been doing alot to him recently. She may have been born in Seattle but she hadn't been back since she was five and New York was her home.

"It still is."

"I can understand that. So we've never got this far before so I'm taking a chance, will you have a drink with me?"

Meredith looked into the teasing brown eyes, and not the blue that haunted her every dream. For a second she considered losing herself in a bottle of tequila and the handsome man stood in front of her before she gave a slow shake of her head.

"I can't."

"I'll ask again."

Michael said softly with a smile knowing that he would find it impossible not too. She had first caught his eye the night of the intern mixer but had seemed so unapproachable so he had watched and admired from a distance. There was something about her, past the obvious beauty that made him want to know her but it was proving harder than he ever imagined. Yet in no way did he want to give up, he knew without knowing how or why that she would be worth all this effort, everything about her intrigued him. It was the sadness that lingered around her, the way sometimes she would smile a smile so beautiful it would snatch his breath away only for it to fall a moment later and a look of lonliness would take its place. He wanted to know her , her story, to know what made her who she was.

The night after her first shift he had come across her sat on a bench outside the hospital. At first he had thought she had been talking to someone on the phone then he had realised she was leaving who ever it was a message. Curiosity had took hold and he had lingered, struck by the warmth, how filled with excitement her voice had been as she'd explained her first experience scrubbing in. He had waited with bated breath for any hint to the identification of who it was but the call had ended with no name. Just the assurance she was okay and would call soon. He hadn't made his presence known that night, he had felt the change in her right after she had stopped speaking. Her body language screaming out that she wanted to be alone.

After that he found himself looking out for her at work, and though not hard to spot she was rarely alone. In the three weeks since they had started Baileys group of five interns had become known as the ones to beat. His only problem with them was how close they stuck together, rarely did he see her on her own long enough to pass more than the briefest greeting. He had no problem with the rest, in fact he preferred any of them on a case with him but he had a feeling singling Meredith out in front of them was not going to win him any points. Points that he desperately wanted to win.

"It wont change."

The stubbornness that came through in her simple answer only made his smile grow.

"We'll see. Goodnight Dr Grey."

With a nod and a grin that any other time she would have found charming Meredith watched him walk past her into the bar. She could have done it, most likely enjoyed it but the morning after would still have been the same.

She would have still woken up and thought of Derek. Woken up and wished it was him laid beside her and that that was what she couldn't do. It hurt too much to think of him, to picture him there knowing that was something that was never going to happen. Then there was the fact she was sure he deserved better than to be used to fill a void loving Derek had left.

Dr Michael Clay was her type, she found him attractive which she was sure he knew but she couldn't seem to muster up the interest needed to start something with him. She knew she needed to move on, to find someone accessible, someone who would return what she felt for them but right now she didn't think it was possible.

She hadn't just left the only man she had ever loved but she had left her best friend too. The best friend who had never let her down, who was proof that it was possible for her to trust someone. His influence had changed who she was and she owed him so much . This was all her fault, it was her who had changed, who had changed them not him. Guilt riddled her and opening her cell she stared down at the picture of them together she couldn't bear to change. His laughing face and suddenly found her finger holding down the number one key.

Derek stepped out of the shower at the sound of his phone and felt the whole world stop. There was only person who that particular ring tone belonged to and it was the person he most wanted to speak too. Grabbing it with nerveless fingers, swearing as it nearly slipped through them.

"Mer,"

"It's not too late is it, it's okay I can go..."

"No! No don't go, I was in the shower that's all, stay don't go..."

"Oh okay."

Resting her head against the steering wheel Meredith tried not to picture his naked body, she had seen him enough in just his boxer shorts to allow her immagination to fill in the rest.

"You okay?"

"Fine, I'm fine... A long day and... Yeah a long day."

"Joy's of being an intern."

Derek murmured holding the phone to his shoulder as he wrapped one towel around his waist, another around his shoulders.

"Yeah... I now know why you did nothing but sleep on your days off,"

Meredith murmured forgetting for a second her awkwardness as for a little while she got lost in the past. The mornings of his rare day's off when she had every trick in the book to get him out of bed so that they could spend time together. He had moaned, groaned and protested but she had always won in the end.

"You hated that."

Derek said his mind following the same track as her.

"Now I get it."

"Mmm too late for me. I saw your postcard,"

"Is it on the fridge? Mom promised it would be."

"Its there and the photo. Mer?"

"Hmm ?"

"That photo your eyes they had that look and you were smiling, you were meant to be happy, but it's there."

"It's just a photo."

"Maybe to everyone else but not to me... I saw it. I need to know your okay, I can't bear the thought that you might not be... You can fool them Mer, but not me...."

He persisted not allowing her to brush him off and Meredith wondered why for someone who saw so much he could be so blind. But she knew he was right, that moment when she had taken the photo she had wished he was there. Not George or Izzie her room mates who had offered to go with her but him.

"I'm okay... I just, you know sometimes ..."

Taking a deep breath Meredith whispered the words that she had wanted to say at the end of every voice mail she had left him.

"I miss you... I miss having you to laugh with. The guys here they're great and you'd love them, well maybe not Christina who's darker like me rather than you're constant bright and shiny, optomistic annoying ways, but the others you would... But, they're not you."

"I miss you too..."

Sinking down on to the bed Derek let himself fall back so that he was staring up at the ceiling.

"I've missed you every day and I miss you right now. I miss my best friend, but you left, you left me and it's like I've lost you and I.... I'm still here and it hurts Mer, it hurts to be here when your not."

"I know."

Glad that he couldn't see her face as the tears she had been trying so hard to hold in rolled silently down her cheeks.

Silent Derek listened to her breathe, his heart contracting at the faint sound of the short gasps that meant only one thing.

"Don't cry Mer... Please don't cry."

"I'm okay..."

She insisted fighting for control.

"It's just me and you we've never really done this before... ?"

"No and I don't know how to do it either... But Mom told me Mark following me around is at your command."

"I didn't want you to be alone either. I mean you have Claire and other friends but... Well Mark it's different isn't it. It feels different the three of us, it's always been us..."

"Yeah.." Derek nodded as if she could see him. "Thank you, for Mark."

"I've never been thanked for Mark before.."

Meredith said and suddenly they were both laughing. Her giggle mixing with his deeper tones in a way that seemed so right to the both of them. And for those few moments Derek forgot everything, they were them again. Meredith and Derek. Best friends who weren't on the other side of the country from each other, who were who they always had been.

"God why did you leave?"

He hadn't meant to say but it had slipped out in the moment. Hearing her laugh, feeling happy for the first time in weeks he needed to know why she had had to leave him, to take this away.

"Derek."

The laughter disappeared entirely from her voice and his name was used as a plea, a plea for him not to go where she knew he was.

"Mer please let me in..."

"I have to go..."

The moment the hurried words were out of her mouth Derek felt his heart sink in his chest and knew he wouldn't be able to stop her.

"Mer please."

"It's late. Um I'll call soon."

She hated that note in his voice, she hated that knowing what look would be in the blue eyes. There was no escaping it even though he wasn't there in front of her.

"Mer..."

"Good night Derek."

Derek knew there was nothing he could do to stop her and sighed.

"Good night Mer... I love you"

Meredith listened to the three simple words and wished for the day when she could hear them and it wouldn't hurt this way.

"I know."

Closing his eyes, his phone dropping on to the bed beside him Derek found himself fighting the tears Meredith had shed a short while ago.

"Derek?"

Reluctantly turning at the sound of his name he found Claire stood watching him for the second time that day with an expression he was too tired to figure out the meaning behind.

"I'm losing her."

He whispered brokenly and looking down at him Claire wondered if she shouldn't be saying something along similar lines but she refused to give up on him or on them.

"You still have me."

She murmured sitting down on the bed beside him, reaching a hand out to stroke through the damp strands. Derek however was too wrapped up in his own misery to give her the answer, the reassurance she needed from him

"I know ... I just wish thing's didn't have to change, I can't bear losing her..."

_**We're at the crossroads my dear**_

_**Where do we go from here**_

_**Maybe you wont go, maybe you'll stay**_

_**It's such a lonely road**_

_**When I cry your name**_

_**Am I calling in vain?**_

_**Am I waiting only to drown in pain?**_

_**Don't you do it, no don't you leave me this way**_

_**I don't know if I could lift my head and face another day**_

_**It's such a lonely road.**_

_**Well again I hope no one was disappointed in this follow up and hope you will stick with me because I am really enjoying this story and have so many ideas for it.!! **_

_**PLEASE review and let me know if you would like to read more or again with anyway you think I can improve??**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**I'm not sure "Thank You" really covers just how grateful I am for all of your amazing reviews. I really feel over whelmed by your response and am so glad you are enjoying this story as much as I am writing it. **_

_**I want to apologise for the wait but my laptop gave up and died on me and stupidly I didn't back up my copy of this chapter or the 1st drafts of the next two so it meant starting all over. I've knocked this up in the day since I have got my laptop back so I really do apologise if you find this chapter lacking, but i promise the next one will be better and not so rushed.**_

_**This chapter in it's original version was long, a lot longer than this one but I decided before writing this version that I would split it in to two as I wanted to get it out to you asap. This first part is based in Seattle and concentrates on Meredith.**_

_**As always I don't own anything, I only wish I did...**_

_**Chapter 3**_

_**The Cure**_

Meredith allowed her head to drop back, resting against the wall behind her as the crowded elevator made its slow way up to the surgical floor. With her eyes closed she tried her best to pretend she was anywhere other than here, it rarely worked, and today was not the exception . It seemed a life time ago that she had actually enjoyed these few minutes, looked forward to them, thought of them as a time of solace. Then every chance to take an elevator that had come her way she had snatched at it almost like a child, yet that was before ever having experienced riding an elevator in Seattle.

Here in Seattle the very moment she stepped through the sliding doors she felt loss weigh heavy on her shoulders. A loss so intense her mind would play tricks on her as if to compensate. Every time no matter her reason for being in one it was as if she could hear Derek's voice, feel him and Mark beside her. The sound so real her lips twitched, ready, wanting to smile at what was bound to follow. A well played out argument between him and Mark that they had been having for what seemed like forever. An argument that flared up without fail every few weeks, it started the same way each time from the moment Mark would insist that there was something kinky in their fascination with elevators. Derek then would jump to their defence, call him a pervert, and argue that when there was something to be said, the best and only place to do it was on an elevator. That for those few minutes the other person had no choice but to listen to you. Mark would laugh a wicked gleam in his eye as he described as to what he thought an elevator was good for.

However the instant she started to believe and enjoy the warmth and security of their company, reality would hit hard and fast. Her eyes would shoot open, going from side to side searching for them. Disappointment caused her heart to sink every time as they were never there, because none of it was real,there was no banter, no smiles. All she had was just her, a lonely her wishing the minutes away and feeling completely alone without them. It was the same experience every time she came in sight of a ferry boat, but from those she didn't want and doubted she could stay away. Pre Seattle it had been something her and Derek had shared, and that little last connection she couldn't bear to sacrifice.

Derek had evoked her fascination with them, passing his love, and delight in them onto her at a young age and it had never waned. When they were too young to go unaccompanied down to the docks Christopher had always come along with them. However over the years it had became private, to share with just each other, somewhere where only they existed. Side by side, rain or shine, either riding them or instead sat at the docks they would spend hours there together. More often than not in silence, content to just be together, no need for words or anyone else.

After Christopher's funeral when the whole family had began to fear they were losing Derek too she had dragged him down to there. Huddled next to her, closed off within himself, his blue eyes usually so vibrant had stared blindly out towards the water. She had known him well enough to just wait. Not to poke or prod but to just be there for when he was ready and it had worked, but only after hours of silence.

When Derek had at last spoke, his voice had been rough, scratchy from lack of use. He had even tried to smile, but it had seemed so hollow,and empty that she had done the one thing she could and wrapped her arms around him. The moment he was held against her she had felt his muscles relax, as if what ever had been holding him together had suddenly just snapped. With his face buried in the crook of her neck, he had hid the tears she had known were making paths down his cheeks. That night for the first time they had cried together, his strong arms had come around her, and they had clung together as if they were the last two people left in the world.

They had lifted their heads at the same time, Derek studying her face with concern before gently brushing the last traces of her tears away. The blue eyes that haunted her every waking moment currently, had then burned in to her as they'd pleaded with her for answers. She had been unable to do anything, but wipe away his tears as he had hers, and reassure in a whisper that she was there. His reply had been to kiss her forehead, before finally starting for the first time in weeks to talk.

In his broken voice he had explained how he couldn't imagine ever feeling any different. How he didn't know how to live in a world without his father, that he couldn't fathom how his life was meant to work now he was gone. She had felt that too in those dark weeks, Christopher had been everything to her, and right now it was as if she was in some way back there. Trying her best to live without Derek in the same way they had stumbled along without Christopher. The only difference back then was that they had done it together, it was just her now. Lately she had gotten in to the habit after a shift of following her instincts down to the docks here. To find a little peace when it became impossible to grasp her thoughts, when the ache that leaving them became too much to live with. The absence of Derek she felt everywhere , even within herself, but at the docks it was that little easier to bear. She could breath, think and she shared it with no one because he wasn't here to share it with.

Last night after spending an hour on the phone between two of his sisters she had found herself there. It was becoming too painful to listen to how much Derek was missing her, how different his behaviour was without her. Nancy as Claire's closest friend in the family had told it more from her view. How much of a strain it must be for Claire with Derek acting like this. Beth less concerned about her sister in law was simply worried about her brother. She had listened quietly as Beth had described the many ways they had all tried to bring him out if his mood. Hearing about his reaction to that had caused Meredith to explain that Derek wouldn't appreciate them, no matter the obvious kindness that laid behind it. Her answer had lead Beth to demand when she herself would be home for a visit, stating that when he was like this she had always been the one to get the best out of him. Nancy had asked the same question and like with Beth Meredith had had no answer for her. She had recognised a lucky escape when the two sisters had took her excuses about her shifts at face value and let the subject drop. However she had found it near impossible to let go of what they said about Derek.

Though it was little more than confirmation of what he had told her himself the last time they had spoke it was still almost too painful to hear. She had known he would find it difficult, and prepared for it by part bribing and demanding Mark to keep him company, to just be there for him even when Derek didn't know he needed it. Her aim had been to stop him spending too much time alone, drifting from the people who loved him as he disappeared inside of himself. She had watched him do the same too many times to believe he might handle it differently especially after his reaction in those two weeks before she had left. Yet it was obviously not working and though she had been ready to live like this, Derek doing the same was never what she had wanted. Despite everything that she felt, nothing changed the fact that he was her best friend. A best friend who would never purposefully harm her, and that she had hurt him ate away at her very insides. On top of everything it only added to the over all sense of home sickness she was feeling. It went far beyond what she had thought it was possible for one person to feel. There was no easing in its intensity, every day felt like the first day she had got off the plane, and stepped a foot on Seattle soil for the first time in over twenty years.

Sometimes Meredith was sure it wasn't helped by living in a house that she had last shared with her mother and father, a house that had never been a home to her. There were no real memories from when she had lived there, apart from flickers of images, heated words, anger, pain, of parent's she had never really known. It was the last place she had seen her father, a father who had walked out of her life, and never seemed to look back. Then there was her mother, a woman that had been more interested in her career than she had her own child. Who had happily passed her over to the Shepherds, not seeming to mind how many days would past between seeing her daughter. Whilst she had still been young Caroline had pretended Ellis had called at least two times a day but even then she had understood her own mother enough to know that wasn't true. Now looking back Meredith knew that was the best thing her mother could have ever done for her.

Caroline Shepherd was essentially her Mom in the same way Christopher had been the only Dad she would need. As the house here in Seattle like her mothers in New York had never been a home, the Shepherd house in New York had from the moment Derek had lead her in by the hand. It never seemed to be quiet, even when no one had been home, echoing with years of love and laughter. Every time Meredith stepped over the threshold without fail warmth flowed through her, love and acceptance wrapping around her like a security blanket. It was the lack of all of that, that was the reason she had found herself with two room mates. Izzie and George drove her crazy at times, had left no part of the house unturned, but what they did do was stop the house being quiet. Stopped her feeling so alone, the feeling she knew Derek had tried to protect her from. Along with Christina and Alex her other two fellow interns, George and Izzie were friends she had never expected to find. They were different, but somehow they fit together, and meeting them was almost as if finding another family. It wasn't the same one she had grown up with, but they were important, and becoming more so by the day.

However right now Meredith had found not even their company could help because she was home sick. Homesick for the sounds and smells of Manhattan. Of the Saturday morning ferry boat rides with Derek. The hustle and bustle of the coffee shop Mark always took her too after a night spent in his company with their old friend Tequila. For Caroline's home cooking, and gentle company. The monthly shopping trips Nancy would drag her along on, simply for everything that she had left behind. Mostly though, she was homesick for Derek. For the comfort of their friendship, for him, for everything they once were and right now stuck in this elevator she knew she would give anything to have him there with her just for a few moments to be at peace. To forget the guilt and misery of being in love with him and just have her best friend back.

The jolt of the elevator reaching the surgical floor brought her head up, her mind from Derek for that moment as relief flooded through her, as she became tense with impatience to leave the cart. However she had barely taken three steps up the hallway when for the fourth day running Meredith found a cup of steaming hot coffee being pushed into her fingers. It always seemed to happen right when she felt she needed it most. Yesterday it was as she emerged from the scrub room after a craniotomy. The day before as she filled out charts in the basement laid out on an unused gurney fighting to keep her eyes open. The unusual occurrence about today was that it was the first time her benefactor had stuck around long enough for her to acknowledge the gesture in any way other than a bemused look.

"What is this?"

Meredith demanded gesturing with her free hand between the polystyrene cup and the man stood in front of her. Apart from his daily deliveries of coffee she was sure Michael had otherwise tried to avoid her. As if he realised lingering would mean she would have already put a stop to this and his instinct had been right. There was only one thing that spread faster through the hospital than disease and that was gossip. Gossip she refused to become a part of, so far he had been clever in when and where he approached her but the gossip wasn't the only reason this all had to stop.

When Michael smiled at her, exactly the way he was now she felt an attraction that no one but Derek had ever come close to evoking from her. The times when he wasn't avoiding her he made her smile, laugh and gave her faith that she could move on. However he also scared her, the possibility of what he could mean to her terrified her already shattered heart. Meredith knew full well she needed to move on, that continuing to love Derek in this way was not an option but that didn't make any of this any easier.

"Coffee. Good coffee. Excellent coffee in fact."

Michael murmured a teasing grin flirting around his lips as he drank a long sip from the identical cup he was holding. His large brown eyes glowing with humour, humour so contagious that despite her confusion Meredith found it increasingly hard to keep the smile off her face.

"You should try some."

"Why?"

"Why? Well as I said its great coffee, not the cheap stuff either, and you are an intern I assume you need it..."

"No why do you keep doing this, why are you bringing me coffee...? We're not friends, I'm not working with you on a case so why?"

"Would my coffee be more acceptable if we were friends because we could be friends, I'm a great friend... And I think you might need that."

"I have friends."

Meredith protested glancing fugitively around to make sure no one was paying them any extra attention. From the first shift here she had noticed a problem she had never foreseen when applying for the internship program, and that was the legacy of her mother. Everyday she walked in her footsteps, leaving Meredith with the constant need to prove that she deserved to be here. She wanted them to see she was not here on a free ride, living off her mothers reputation, that she could be great too.

"You do, but neither Yang, Stevens, Karev or O'Malley are from the east coast, I am. You're homesick, I get that and I could help. We could be friends?"

As he spoke Meredith found herself staring into the ever changing brown eyes, and this time saw hope and understanding. Hope she knew she shouldn't be allowing him to feel, because it was not something she could offer. That it was better for him to turn around, walk away now before he got hurt too.

"Meredith.."

Michael prompted using her first name for the first time, finding unexpected pleasure in the simple act. There was no response, she seemed lost within her own thoughts until he reached out a hand, closing the distance between them. Electric shocks running through his body as he felt her soft silky skin beneath his. His thumb rubbed in circles on her free hand until she brought the stormy green eyes back up to meet his.

"You want more. You don't just want to be just friends, and friends who want more it hurts, it hurts a lot, and it affects everyone, and I don't...I can't do that it's ...."

Michael watched the intensity burn in her eyes and knew what he said next mattered. This wasn't flirting, it wasn't a game of chase it was real for him, and in the sentence Meredith hadn't been able to finish she had opened herself up in any way to him for the first time. It gave his first brief insight in to what might be going on inside of her.

"I do want more. I can't and won't pretend I don't, but I could be your friend Meredith. We could be friends, and I would be happy with being friends... The rest, well we can work on that in time."

There was that look again, the look he had first seen the night of the mixer and last week outside the bar. There was someone, or had been he was sure of it, and it was them that had caused that look, that made her so guarded. Whatever had happened was making her keep her distance when he was sure she liked him. He wasn't blind, he sensed her attraction, but there was definitely something or someone holding her back.

"We cant, I cant, it wouldn't be fair ."

She murmured drawing her hand away from the touch. Without Derek there was this great big empty hole inside of her and having Michael stood in front of her scared her. He was offering the chance of everything she wanted but would never have from Derek and she didn't know how to deal with it.

"Are you married?"

Michael questioned suddenly scared of a possibility he had never before considered. There was no ring he knew because it was one of the first things he had looked for but that wasn't to mean there was no husband.

"No."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"A girlfriend?"

He added cheekily, the humour in his voice belying the immense relief he was feeling after her first two negative answers. He had found since first speaking to her that it was something he needed to do, not just to make her relax but also to protect himself. All too often after a moment with her it felt as if he could lose himself in her. Never before had a woman evoked such an interest from him or awoke a protective instinct he hadn't known till meeting Meredith Grey that he possessed.

"No."

"Then there is always a chance..."

"You don't give up."

"I think your worth it."

"But you don't know me."

"I want to."

Michael insisted and it wasn't a line it was the truth. He wanted to know everything about her . From where she grew up, if she had any siblings, what she was like at school, he wanted to know her. So far he had only learnt what little he could get from her friends or hear around the hospital without rousing suspicion. The fact her mother was Ellis Grey was common knowledge and he had found a few of the older nurses remembered her as a small child. Their tales of a little girl who had carried an Anatomy Jane doll everywhere had caused him to have to constantly remove the wide smile from his face, but he still craved more, more he wanted to hear from her.

"I..."

"Give me a chance, meet me at Joe's after your shift."

Not giving her a chance to answer as they came into sight of the locker room Michael lent forward, keeping his voice low as his breath brushed across her skin.

"Think it over whilst you drink your coffee Dr Grey."

Michael was gone before Meredith could think of a retort and something told her that was his very clever way of avoiding a direct no from her exactly the tactic he had put into practise where the coffee had been considered.

"I see you've been coffeeed again?"

Was the greeting that met her as she stepped into the intern locker room. Luckily her welcome party consisted only of Christina. Christina who was fast becoming the closest female friend Meredith had ever had outside of females born with the name Shepherd. The friendship she had shared with Derek and Mark had never left much room or need for anyone other friends until now, and Christina Yang was different to anyone she had ever met before. As intense as she was complicated they were in themselves opposites but some how they fit. Fit in the same way her and Derek did but Meredith was under no illusions that those two would ever have more in common than surgery and her.

"He wants to get to know me.."

"Ah how sweet Dr McSexy wants to heal your secret pain."

"I don't have any secret pain, and McSexy really?"

Meredith's look of disgust as she opened her locker bounced right off Christina as she matched it with a triumphant smile of her own.

"Sure you do, being in love with your married best friend does that, and unless unrequited love makes you blind McSexy definitely fits."

"I......"

Meredith frowned cursing the last shot of tequila and game of whose life sucks the most that had made her spill her guts to Christina about Derek after their first shift. She had had no memory of the confession the next morning but Christina certainly had.

"So who's hotter, McMarried or McSexy?"

"Christina."

"I'm curious?"

"Not helping."

"Fine... Are you going to drink that or just stand there staring at it?"

"Does it mean something if I do... I mean today, because the others don't count right?"

"It's coffee Mer."

"Right and I'm an intern, interns love coffee, I love coffee so I should drink it..."

"And McSexy?"

Meredith stopped with the cup half way to her lips, before holding it out towards Christina.

"Take it, I can't , him or his coffee."

"Well I can and you could, you probably even should... That is unless you plan on spilling all your dark secrets in one of those sappy voice mails."

"Funny."

"Look he's single, he's hot and you , you need sex! Go for it, or one day you'll be laid in bed crying over awkward sex with Bambi! If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me... Save me the misery of having to listen to that!"

"He's not..."

Meredith started only for Christina to cut her off as she shrugged on her scrub top

"Married? The man who you've been friends with your whole life? Seriously Mer stop moping over what you can't have and go play with what you can."

With Meredith's coffee in hand Christina left the locker room leaving Meredith to drop onto the bench knowing that Christina was right. Staring in to her open locker, past the mess her gaze found her one indulgence. The only photo of Derek not still in the big box packed away at the bottom of her wardrobe.

It was of three of them, the men at each side of her were smiling, wide happy smiles and the pride was clear in both their eyes as she stood in the middle in her cap and gown having just graduated from Dartmouth. As she her gaze skimmed fondly over Mark to settle on Derek she remembered the relief she had felt that morning when Derek had apologised for Claire not being able to attend the ceremony. The Shepherds and Mark had left straight after the ceremony leaving her and Derek to celebrate together. She had already known then that in a few short weeks she would be leaving for Seattle and had treasured every moment with him, knowing once he found out she was leaving it would all change. They had ended the night by crashing out on her bed, side by side Derek falling asleep the moment his head hit the pillow where as she had spent most of the night watching him and wishing she didn't feel the way she did. Now looking at the photo she couldn't help but wonder maybe if she had met Michael then, they might have avoided all of this heartache. Yet a little voice in her head whispered that falling in love with Derek was something that was always going to happen whether she liked it or not.

What was hard now was that she was so used to talking everything over with him it was hard to open up to anyone else. Ever since her first real kiss at the age of thirteen she had gone to Derek with all matters concerning the opposite sex. Never had she experienced the long girlie conversations about boys apart from what she had heard from the girls growing up instead she had gained her perspective of guys straight from Derek or Mark. Mark was always the better choice when she knew Derek wouldn't approve of someone, but she knew Michael was someone Derek would like. Only one time had she not turned to either of them and that was when she had realised it was Derek, he was the reason no relationship ever lasted because no one had been able to live up to the standard he had set.

The need to talk to someone from what would forever be home to her caused Meredith to reach in to her bag for her cell and just for a instant instinct took over as she reached for his speed dial key. Instead she dialled the familiar New York number she called every single night without fail.

"Hi Mom..."

Meredith tried her best to sound normal, as if calling at six thirty in the morning was nothing out of the ordinary.

"Meredith,"

Caroline's voice though filled with surprise was underlined as always with love, a love Meredith never once took for granted. She had never heard it in her own mothers voice where as Caroline offered it so freely. It sounded throughout every letter of her name and Meredith found the knots of tension unravelling as its warmth slowly seeped into her.

"It's early I know it's early but I miss... I miss everything, I'm homesick!"

"It is never too early to call,"

Caroline said and Meredith knew she meant it. ;

"Mer what's wrong?"

"I haven't called Derek, not since last week and I cant.... He's hurting and I don't want him too, I hate that he is... So I leave a voice mail every night and so does he, but there's a guy and Derek's who I talk to about guys and..."

"There's a guy?"

Caroline interrupted now very much shocked. Being woken up by one of the children was nothing new especially when all of them worked within medical field, but hearing Meredith talk about a man was .

Unlike her other daughters Meredith had never come to her, to ask for advice about any problems she might be having with boys. She had offered on numerous occasions, but Meredith with a smile would tell her Derek would know what to do. None of his sisters had chosen to confide in him but with Meredith it had always seemed the most natural thing in the world to. The times when he hadn't had the answers or had disagreed with her choice she had turned to Mark showing them all a side to Mark Sloan they had never known existed. Mark who showed no concern for the feelings of any other female took the utmost care of Meredith's. The girls would often joke that Mark had made it his mission to shield Meredith from the attention of anyone too much like himself, a joke that always caused a blush to stain his ruggedly handsome face.

"He's a doctor here, third year resident and he seems a lot of thing, all good but he's not... I think, I think I could like him that I might like him, but I think I could hurt him too and I'm hurting now and... I don't know if I can, he's just not..."

Meredith's ramble came to a halt and Caroline had to stop herself from finishing for her. From saying that what this man wasn't or rather who he wasn't for Meredith was Derek. However Meredith needed to move on, and Caroline wanted that for her too. She wanted to be able to look in to the green eyes and not see the mixture of guilt and misery every time they rested on Derek and Claire together.

Pushing herself up on the pillows Caroline glanced over to the side of her, a habit she had never quite gotten out of, looking automatically for Christopher. The sharp pain that he never would be beside her again hitting harder now as she found herself wondering what he would say if he was here, what he would have been thinking.

When they were growing up he had used to joke Derek would one day make Meredith a Shepherd by name. That their son would never meet a girl more perfect for him than Meredith, no one would ever understand him, seeming to know exactly what he needed from her how she did. Christopher had also been strong in the opinion that Meredith needed Derek just as much. The optimism, the belief in life and in the good that was an integral part of who their son was to bring light in to Meredith's sometimes rather dark world. A dark world that Caroline was sure the both Meredith and Derek were sharing in now. However never once over the last few weeks had she really described to Meredith just what her absence was doing to Derek. Her daughters had in detail and she had tried to dissuade them from it. Simply because she understood Meredith was suffering just the same and possibly more so.

"Why don't you come home this weekend, clear your head, you'll feel better after a few days..."

Meredith swore silently knowing Caroline knew that she had the whole weekend off, her first real time off from the hospital since she had started and there was no way out but to lie.

"I can't... My shifts have changed, I won't be able to get away."

"Oh... How about Thanksgiving, its only a few weeks away?"

There had been so much disappointment in her voice when she said she wouldn't be home at the weekend that Meredith spoke before she had really thought through what she was going to say.

"Christmas. I'll be home then."

Christmas was an important time to the Shepherd's, a holiday based around families and that fitted them down to the ground. For her however that meant changing all the the plans she had made, she was meant to stay away until she could look into the blue eyes and not see a whole future for herself there. A future that was not hers to have, that belonged to his wife. Yet now she had promised Caroline that she would be there and she couldn't break a promise to a woman who had brought her up, without asking anything in return.

"Oh Mer that will be lovely. The house is so quiet without you banging around, I miss you running in and out all the time."

There was so much pleasure in her voice that Meredith knew she would not back out, she would be getting on the plane no matter her own hesitations. Last year was still very clear in her mind, a holiday she had spent doing her best to avoid spending too much time in the same room as Derek and Claire.

When Derek had come to her room before dawn on Christmas morning the same way they had spent Christmas morning since her first Christmas as a part of their family, it had been hard to hide her own feelings. How from the moment he had climbed in to bed with her she had spent every second reminding herself over and over that he wasn't hers to have. That for Derek this was a tradition, climbing in to bed with her was nothing more than recapturing and keeping a little piece of their childhood. She was his Meredith and she was certain unlike her he wasn't finding it difficult to breathe every time his skin touched hers.

"Me too, it's harder than I thought, all of it is..."

"Meredith call Derek. I know it's hard, but you need him, you always have, and believe me he needs you! You even him out, and he well he ..."

"He makes me talk Mom, and right now he has all these question, questions I can't answer... I can't talk to him."

"Because you might tell him you love him, that you're in love with him..."

In the heartbeats of silence that followed Caroline wished she could snatch the words right back, and the feeling only intensified when Meredith spoke only one word.

"Mom..?"

There was no denial just that one word yet that one word was filled with so much vulnerability that Meredith didn't need to say more as she hurriedly tried to reassure her.

"It's okay Meredith, it doesn't change anything, "

"It does, you know, how do you know?"

"Oh Meredith it's my job to know these things about my children, and my love you are a terrible liar you always have been."

"The others?"

Meredith demanded imagining all of them sitting down talking about it, discussing when they should or how to tell Derek over dinner.

"No they don't know, I think they are so used to the two of you that the thought would never occur to them now."

"Now?"

"Well we all did wonder if it might happen after Christopher passed, I know Beth and Sophie were sure of it but..."

"Are you mad?"

Meredith asked and Caroline wished more than anything that she could wrap her arms around her. It reminded her of a much younger Meredith, who had expected them to leave her , to not want her, to be how her own mother was every time she felt she didn't match up to what she thought they expected.

"No how could I be?"

"Because it's Derek, he's married and ..."

"You two have spent most of your life closer than any two other people I have known, grown up together, supporting each other every step, and maybe it was bound to happen with that much time together. You have done nothing wrong Meredith, you can't help the way you feel, and more than anything I admire you, I admire your strength to walk away, but don't you think if Derek had some idea of what was going on he would understand better. "

Caroline said with so much sincerity in her voice that there was no way Meredith could doubt that was what Caroline really felt but all of that was forgotten with her suggestion to tell Derek.

"No! He would feel awkward, he would say things, the right things but we would never be the same again and I can't lose him forever!"

"Oh Mer that wouldn't happen?"

"It would, I know it... Mom I'll get over this, it will go away and we'll be us again, just Meredith and Derek with no mushy feely crap ."

Caroline knew there was no arguing with her, telling Derek anything had to be her decision and hers alone. Though she did have her own doubts about Meredith's feelings going away. They were strong enough to drive away and she guessed they were the type to last a lifetime.

"Okay. Now this man what's his name?"

"Michael,"

"Could Michael make you happy? Does he make you smile?"

"He could, maybe and he does when I let him..."

"Would I like him?"

"He reminds me a little of the boys... He's a good guy, I know it without really knowing him but I'm messy Mom, I always have been, but right now I'm a little broke too I don't want to hurt anyone else."

"You deserve happiness Mer, you do and if there's a chance for it you should take it, just be careful."

"Thank you."

"You never need to thank me."

"I love you."

Meredith said and Caroline found herself smiling as she returned the sentiment. Meredith wasn't one to say it often but every time she did Caroline knew it came right from the heart. It wasn't that she was cold in any way, only that she was guarded especially at times like now when she was feeling emotionally vulnerable.

"I love you too. Now have a good day and call me tonight."

Meredith closed the phone still in a slight state of shock at Caroline revelation, however it explained a lot from the past two months in Caroline's behaviour and her own reluctance to delve deeper into the meaning behind it.

"Grey!"

The booming voice that belied the sight of her small resident stood in the now open doorway had her jumping to her feet, reaching for her scrubs as she tried to push Derek to the back of her mind.

A few hours later stood in line at the cafeteria Meredith tried to keep her gaze staring straight ahead rather than turning to the man continuously whispering at her shoulder as he had been doing for the past six hours. Every time she had turned around this morning Michael had been near, some of it was to be expected as she had been placed on a case with him, but like now he was definitely not talking about the case. Worse Meredith could feel her friends watching them from their table in the corner, Christina's intense brown eyes more than the rest filled with keen interest.

"Don't ignore me."

The voice hissed growing in volume and Meredith fought to keep her face blank from any emotion as the two nurses in front stopped in the act of paying for their lunch to turn around, looking for the source of the voice. She waited, counting the seconds for them to turn back before speaking, knowing that if she kept quiet much longer Michael would only open his mouth again.

"Why not?"

It wasn't what she had planned to say, but Meredith found it impossible to resist playing along and could hear the answering smile in his voice.

"Because I am trying to be friendly, and you Dr Grey are missing all my best efforts."

There was no holding in the giggle any longer so Meredith gave up trying. He sounded like a petulant child rather than a full grown man let alone a surgeon. It was a voice, a tactic both Derek and Mark had used in the past to take advantage of her. That Michael reminded her of the two previous constant companions in her life had previously never occurred to her before Caroline had asked about him. It caused her giggle to die abruptly as her mind ran over the possibility that that was part of the attraction she had been trying so hard to deny.

"I should go."

"You can't, you haven't paid."

Michaels voice didn't rise but there was a new pressure on her hand and looking down Meredith saw the much larger fingers wrapped around her wrist. The hold however was gentle as all playfulness left the brown eyes that were watching her so intently.

"Please don't run away,"

"I have to go."

"I'll shut up."

"Can you do that?"

"I can try,"

He nodded looking genuinely thoughtful and Meredith's heart lightened ever so slightly as did her expression.

"I'll stay."

"I like you."

"I thought you were shutting up?"

"Actually I said I would try."

"Not hard enough."

"Will you eat lunch with me?"

"No."

"You could at least pretend to think about it. I'm a little hurt."

Michael tried to give her his best hurt look but Meredith had already turned back around but she was still there, she hadn't run and that was all that mattered. This morning he had made her the focus of his attention but despite what she may think he had been careful not to draw others attention to them. He had just wanted to see her smile, to see her relax, to chase away the torment that had been in her eyes when she had tried to dissuade him from her. Meredith was scared he could see that now, scared of getting too close and he wanted her to know that she could trust him.

"Meredith."

"Hmm?"

"Will you come to Joe's tonight?"

Again Meredith turned to look at him and simply stared into his eyes for a few moments, both Caroline's and Christina's voices doing battle and in this moment winning against her own doubts.

"I don't know!"

"Well that's an improvement, if you carry on making them through out the afternoon I'll be at Joe's, there will be a drink waiting."

"Okay ,"

She murmured just as she reached the cashier , but before she could walk to the table her friends were waiting at Michael spoke again

"Enjoy your lunch Dr Grey, "

Stood outside of Joe's Meredith paced the perimeter of the parking lot for a full fifteen minutes before she could decide for sure whether to go in or not. For the whole time since lunch an argument had been raging inside of her head. An argument that she still had no idea which side she was on. All she did know was that if she took this step there was no going back. Michael deserved more than that. Walking in to Joe's tonight meant that she was doing this, going for the happiness Caroline had told her she deserved. She was moving on, she was giving him the chance to fix her, to give her her best friend back. The other voice would argue that she had been down this road before, used men to try and erase the image of Derek from her heart and it hadn't worked, failing miserably every time and something told her Michael was a lot more invested in her than the men that had come before him.

"Are you going to come in or shall I bring a drink out for you?"

The voice from the doorway brought her spinning around, a guilty flush staining her cheeks ever so slightly as knowing brown eyes looked her over from head to toe.

"I still haven't decided."

"Do you need some help deciding because I can be very persuasive."

He slowly walked towards her till they were stood side by side.

"Give me a chance. That's all I'm asking for."

"I'm broken."

She said abruptly but to her surprise he didn't even blink. He nodded as he reached across and placed his hand over hers, his fingers linking with hers.

"I know, I can wait, I just need the chance to do that."

**_So consider this a moment  
That's defining who you are  
And I can fix what's broken  
And here's how I'll start_**

Just come with your heart and leave the rest to me  
And I promise that we'll be and I'll be the cure  
Show me where it hurts  
And I know that I can be the medicine you need  
Baby, I'll be your cure.

**_There are many parts to this chap that I would love to rewrite but that would mean waiting longer to post and I already hate that I have not updated as usual so if you can forgive those mistakes I will have the next update out within a few days... All I ask is PLEASE REVIEW!!!_**


	4. Chapter 4

_**First off Thank You for the reviews, I love reading them and seeing the story from different points of view, it really does help me to write and my confidence in it.**_

_**Well so my laptop was meant to be fixed, the man at the shop told me it was fine but a laptop that crashes at least twice a day is not fine... So I'm stuck without a lap top AGAIN but I'm lucky to have a very understanding boyfriend who after a lot of nagging has agreed to lend me his for Uni and to get my Grey's fix ...**_

_**I've been assured I will have it back within a few days so hopefully you wont have to wait for an update as long because I hate that its taking so long to get this story out !**_

_**Okay this is Chapter 4 and is kinda a filler, but it is an important one so I hope you enjoy it. **_

_**Chapter 4**_

Derek closed the text book in front of him as the words began to blur together, a long sigh escaping past his lips as he leaned back in his chair. Out of habit he drove his hands through his hair, before they linked together behind his neck to make a rest for his aching muscles. There was no real need for him to study, he knew the procedure inside out. Every cut he would make was memorised along with every nerve and vessel he needed to avoid. He knew the exact path he would take to remove the tumour, and when he closed his eyes he could see the open spine in front of him, feel the cold steel of the instruments against his fingers.

There was one reason and one reason only he had picked up the book and that was Meredith, to fill his mind up with anything that would help block out the continuous thoughts of her. To stop himself playing over conversations he wanted them to have, questions he needed to ask and have her answer, and it seemed to work. For the first time since he had stepped out of the O.R a few hours ago he felt settled. Completely at peace with himself as the solace he always found in the sterile room settled over him prematurely in anticipation of what he knew was awaiting him in a short while.

"I want Mer back."

The door to the rarely used conference room he had chosen to hide in, for the purpose of avoiding any unwanted company opened with a slam that broke the spell he had worked so hard to surround himself with. Only Mark would have known where to look for him, and he entered looking Derek thought how he felt. A combination of confusion, misery and a hint of frustration was written all over Mark's face, the exact expression you would wear if you had lost something important, and wasn't quite sure how.

That was how it felt for him, from the moment he woke to when he closed his eyes at night and even then she filled his every dream. He didn't understand it, or what was happening to him the only thing he did understand was she was not here any more. Somehow he had lost Meredith, and all he had left not even two months later was a nightly voice mail and he had had enough. Anger was beginning to creep in whenever he thought of what they had become. At the waste of something he had always treasured, yet hadn't known just how much until she had sat at his mother's dinner table and calmly announced she was moving to Seattle.

"Christmas. She'll be home for Christmas."

Derek tried to keep his voice matter of fact, wanting to hold back any hint that he was already counting down the days, that his every hope was based around that one date. Christmas, all his life it had been his favourite holiday but this year meant more than ever before. Christmas was when he would see Meredith, when he would have the chance to find out exactly what was going on. However there was one emotion that he was still waiting to kick in, and that was relief. He was terrified of seeing her again or more importantly what he might not see when he did. He couldn't comprehend how it might feel to not bathe in the welcome glow in her green eyes when they rested on him. To not have her arms go around his neck, her head not thrown back as she surrounded him with her intoxicating giggle as he swung her off her feet. A greeting they had played out for as long as he could remember whenever they had been apart. It was also how she had greeted his father every night when he came home from work and after he had passed it had become their way and theirs alone. It was a reminder of their history, of the young Meredith, of a light that had survived all that Ellis had done.

The fear that this distance had changed them so much that she might not be his Mer any more was all consuming. It filled him with doubts, doubts that only fuelled his burgeoning anger and made him draw back from everyone around him. This was never meant to have happened to them, it wasn't right Meredith was the one person he was never meant to lose, they were not meant to end like this, it was meant to be so different. She was the one person he had always been able to see in his future. Since he was ten his plans for his life had changed so much, yet the one consistency had always been Meredith Grey. Meredith Grey his best friend, the girl who's hair smelled like lavender, who snored like a trucker and who lived under a banner of avoidance, and all he wanted was her back and the life they were meant to have.

"That's too late. I cannot wait another seven or eight weeks to get laid."

Mark announced as he paced the room, and just as sudden as his words Derek forgot how to breathe. Red mist descended quickly in front of his eyes, as bile rose burning a path as his stomach twisted in to a knot so tight it hurt. The urge to strangle the very life out of his brother becoming almost too much to bear at the thought of Mark putting his hands on any part of Meredith's body. It was wrong, wrong in every way, and it took all the power of self control he possessed to push three words out instead of lunging for him.

"You and Mer?"

"Me and Mer what?"

Mark demanded unable to understand why Derek was looking at him with eyes that only seemed to darken as each second passed. He found himself taking a hasty step backwards as he mentally went back over what had happened in the last few minutes, and quickly realised his mistake.

"No, no, no! Stop looking at me like that, I have never touched Meredith in that way."

"Good,"

It was all Derek could manage to say as every nerve, every muscle in his body unclenched as one, relief crashing through him like a wave leaving him faint. If he had been standing he wasn't sure that his legs would have had the strength to hold him .

"God Mer, she's Meredith... Even if I ever wanted too she is too much of a handful, I honestly think she would be the death of me."

"No I would be the death of you, not Meredith!"

"Mer's off limits, always has been I know that. It's a line, a line I wouldn't cross!"

"Like my sisters."

"They're off limits?"

The careless words were out before Mark could stop them and watching Derek's expression change again, but with less intensity as it had over Meredith he quickly nodded his head

"Of course just like your sisters."

For a brief moment Derek pondered whether to question Mark further, but decided quickly what he didn't know in this case could definitely not hurt him. There was a big difference between his sisters, and Meredith. It was not a theory he could easily explain but the thought of Mark sleeping with one of his sisters did not do the same damage as the the thought of Mark and Meredith.

"So if you and Mer aren't ... why is her absence stopping you getting laid?"

He couldn't even bear to say the words and found his hands aimlessly gesturing in front of himself but Mark seemed not to notice as his shoulders shrugged in a helpless gesture.

"I talk about her. I am talking about her so much that last night my date left because she has a rule about men in love with other woman..."

Mark took the seat at the opposite end of the table still not trusting the way Derek was again looking at him, and for the third time in the space of a few minutes found himself rushing to clarify what he had just said.

"No I am not in love with Meredith Grey. I mean I love her but not like that..."

"I didn't say you did."

There was a rule, a rule he had sworn Mark never to break not if he valued his life or their friendship and up until a few minutes ago he had never had cause to question it further. He had made it the day Meredith had turned eighteen and had become what Mark had previously described as fair game. Mark at the time had seem affronted that he had even voiced the thought, and it was a conversation they hadn't had since, and it did not settle well with him that they were having it now.

"You don't need too. Mer's the one girl I can be with, just hang out with without thinking about getting her into bed or wondering what commitment she will want! Mer's like one of the guys, but a hot girl who's fun to look at and damn it I miss her, I miss her mocking me, I even miss her tiny ineffectual fists but that's all it is..."

Mark admitted and Derek found himself nodding, finding comfort in that there was another person who understood after all just a little of what he felt. His sisters kept telling him it would get easier, that everything would go back to normal, that he would get used to it, but so far he had not seen or felt any sign of it.

"Christmas did you say?"

"So Mom said last night. "

"God I wish she hadn't left..."

"Welcome to my world."

"Your world sucks."

"It does. So who's the girl ?"

"That's not the point, the point is Meredith! You know I am starting to think she may have done this on purpose!"

"Mer moved to Seattle to stop you getting laid... Huh why did I never consider that?"

A small grin played around Derek's lips, it didn't last but whilst it was there it was like having a glimpse of the old Derek back and Mark instantly missed it once it had passed. He had tried his best to do as Meredith had wanted but what he couldn't do was replace he,it was Meredith, Derek needed not him.

"Why don't you get on a plane go to Seattle tell her it worked, and that she can come back now!"

As Derek's word sunk in Mark knew what he needed to do and grinned at his best friend.

"Maybe..."

The sound of Mark's pager distracted Derek's attention away from the sudden alarming light in Mark's eyes, but not for long as a new sense of unease settled over him.

"What are you going to do?"

"Answer my page."

"Mark?"

"I'll catch you later."

Derek lent back in his chair and watched the door close behind his best friend this time feeling nothing but unease and mistrust. Years of experience had taught him to not trust that look, to never believe whatever came out of Mark's mouth directly after having seen it. That particular light in his eyes it meant trouble, it meant Mark was about to do something, but before he could think of following him his own pager went off.

Within minutes he found himself starting the process of scrubbing in, the calmness settling over him pushing all thoughts of Mark and Meredith from his mind. He wanted that, despite what Mark might be up too or that he was in the process of losing Meredith he wanted that peace. For however long he was in the O.R for he would be at peace, that in these few hours his world would be okay again and right now he needed it.

The feeling lasted right up until the patient was stable in recovery and he had stepped into the scrub room, and one of his fellow residents entered.

"Hey Shep what's in Seattle?"

"What ?"

"Seattle, what's there that would have Sloan swapping shifts so he has the whole weekend free?"

"Seattle are you sure?"

"He's on-line right now booking tickets for a flight out there! Come on Shep this girl must be something to have him doing a transcontinental booty call so spill..."

Derek stared at the other man for a moment, knowing this was not a wind up and that it meant only one thing. Without an answer Derek left the scrub room, taking him only a few minutes to find Mark leaning against the nurses desk.

"You're going to Seattle?"

"I can't wait till Christmas. If she won't come to me I am going to her... Get the time off and come with me."

"Have you even told her you're coming?"

"No I want to surprise her. "

"Meredith doesn't like surprises."

"She hasn't had me as one yet! Seriously come with me..."

"I cant, I'm off tonight then on three days straight."

Derek said a confusing mixture of conflicting feelings rushed through him. He wanted to join Mark, fly out to Seattle and be with Meredith. See her, be able to touch her, explain in person just what her absence was doing to him. Yet, the same part of him that was scared of seeing her at Christmas was relieved that he had to work. What if he got to Seattle and everything they had once had was gone, what if there was nothing left to fix and he really had to carry on living like this.

"You could. Phillips kisses your ass, you're his favourite resident, tell him you need three days for family reasons and come with me..."

"I can't."

"Well I've booked an extra ticket, it's yours if you want it."

"When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow at eight."

Mark answered and Derek staring in to the once very sober face lowered his voice to avoid the ears of the nurses stood a few feet away.

"Make sure she's okay, not just what she wants you to believe but really okay. Don't let her brush you off and avoid it, try and make her talk ..."

Derek was interrupted by the sound of his own pager as Mark reached out a hand and squeezed his shoulder.

"You should come."

"I have to go,"

Derek murmured his eyes on the 911 message, unable to look at his best friend. In the mood Mark was in Derek knew he would see everything in a second and would not let it go.

"Please just make sure she is okay."

With that he was gone and Mark found himself staring at his retreating back, before he turned and reached for his own patients chart.

Stood in the doorway to the residents lounge Claire watched the bent head of her husbands other best friend as he stared at the laptop screen in front of him and hesitated. She had never felt completely comfortable in Mark's presence, often feeling that he put up with her for Derek's sake. On the rare occasions she did find herself alone with him she always felt the need to speak, to not have to sit in the uncomfortable silence that followed after the perfunctory hellos.

It had been Meredith who had been the more welcoming of the two, right from when she had first started dating Derek. Filling the awkward silences, going out of her way to start conversations that she knew Claire could join in on away from the topic of medicine. Although she had always appreciated Meredith's effort, it had given her only another reason to be jealous. It was irrational she knew that but it had been so hard not to feel it when Meredith managed not only Derek with so much ease, but Mark as well. The three of them were linked in a way she could never be, even though she had married Derek. It was as if no matter what she did, the years she had known them she would always be on the outside. She really had believed it would change once Meredith left, but nothing had apart from that she now seemed to see a lot more of Mark, it was becoming a rare occurrence now to see her husband without him at his side. Mark had stepped in to the place left by Meredith and from what she had picked up from his sisters that fact was down to Meredith's concern for her husband.

"Hi, is Derek finished?"

Claire's voice so unfamiliar in the surroundings of the residents lounge caused Mark to jump. Though Claire had been visiting the hospital a lot lately in search of Derek this was the first time she had ventured past the area around the nurses station.

"No he's still in the O.R. Is everything okay?"

His own shift had finished over an hour ago but he had found himself hanging around, waiting for Derek, wanting to show him Meredith's latest email. Something was different, he could feel it behind her every word, but just didn't know what it was, and it had lead him to read back over all of her previous messages. After them all there was no way now that he could believe she had gone to Seattle for the program or her mother's residential care. Derek was right there was more, and Mark knew he should have believed him in the first place maybe then the last six weeks might not have felt as if both of his best friends had left him instead of just one. Derek and Meredith were the only two people he had ever really trusted, and now every day he had to watch Derek live in a daily hell whilst what was obvious now Meredith pretended everything was okay.

Every time they had spoken she had sounded happy and he had believed it, believed it and her reasons for leaving right up until she slipped in her latest email and started using the word fine. With Meredith the word fine meant that she was anything but, and he couldn't let it drop, not now. The amount that he missed her was already affecting him and now he knew something was wrong he knew he would not be able to get her off his mind. Though they had never had the bond her and Derek shared, that instinctual knowledge of one another he did know her and possibly he understood her in a way Derek never could.

Derek had had the perfect parents, the kind you couldn't help but be jealous of when you stood on the outside. The Shepherd's were everything a real family was meant to be, and nothing was more important to them.

They shouted, they fell out, but they loved each other, and any one of them would do anything for another. It was something he had never experienced until Derek had brought him home to them and neither had Meredith. Meredith had always called it the 'Crappy Parent's Club', and today reading through her emails, and going back over her last few calls in his mind he had known Derek's suspicions were right something was up with his co founder and if he hadn't already booked the tickets he would have done it within of an instant of that realization.

"Everything fine. I'm supposed to be meeting Derek, we're having dinner with Nancy tonight. Is that Meredith you're emailing?"

Claire asked as she took the seat next to his, glancing over at the open screen positioned on his lap.

"Yeah, I'm flying out in morning to see her."

"You're going to Seattle?"

"For the weekend."

"Your missing her too..."

Claire stared at the ruggedly handsome man beside her and wondered if she should find comfort that it wasn't just her husband who was pining over Meredith Grey. She really did want to believe she was being irrational about Derek, that he was simply missing his best friend, that all of this was normal . It was hard however when there was the little persistent nagging voice in the back of her mind telling her Mark and Meredith's friendship was a lot different to how her and Derek had been.

"I'm not getting laid."

"You and Meredith?"

Claire asked in utter shock and disbelief. She knew Mark's reputation and had seen him at work first hand but never once had she considered the possibility of him and Meredith together. Whenever they had gone out as a foursome she had seen Mark intervene between guys and Meredith with a practised arm slung around her shoulders or simply his presence, but never had they shown any signs of it being more than a close protective friendship. It seemed her first instinct had been right however as Mark's instant negative reaction.

"No god what is it with people today? I value my life too much to ever get too close to Mer."

"I'm confused?"

"Derek."

"Oh."

Claire murmured not knowing what else to say without giving away all of her inner misgivings about Derek and Meredith. For the last week since she had come into their bedroom and had him cry for fear of losing Meredith she herself had lost the last little pieces of her husband. He seemed to live at the hospital, and when he wasn't there it was like sharing her life with a ghost, and it was becoming too much for her. She loved Derek, and wanted to fight for their marriage, but there was only so much fighting she could do on her own.

Wanting to avoid Mark's gaze Claire for the first time since coming in to the room took in her surroundings. She had always tended to avoid coming to the hospital but just lately it seemed to be one of the few places she saw her husband awake or with any life in him. Tonight would be their first dinner together in a week. Nancy had suggested they come out for a meal and due to Derek's distraction it had been easy enough to get him to agree but actually getting him there was a different matter, and the mission had brought her here.

"So dinner with the wicked witch of the east how come Derek didn't mention that? It's not something you can forget, no matter how much you may want too..."

Mark murmured leaning back in the chair balancing on three legs as studied his best friends wife as her perfectly poised lips were betrayed by a flickering frown.

"Don't scowl you'll get wrinkles, wrinkles which you will one day beg me to get rid off and I love Nancy you know I do really, just in small, controlled monthly doses."

Before Claire could say anything in response her husband appeared. A vivid glow in his blue eyes that she knew was there from the surgical high he would all too soon come down from.

"Hi,"

The confusion at her presence was clear in his voice as he bent down and brushed her cheek with a kiss.

"We're having dinner with Nancy, I said I'd meet you here."

"Oh right, of course."

"You forget! When did you learn to forget Nancy and why didn't you tell me about it?" Mark demanded unhelpfully .

"I didn't forget,"

Derek muttered crossing the room to his cubbyhole hole and without another word pulling his scrub top from his head revealing his toned torso. Looking over her husbands body Claire felt the distant but familiar pull of attraction as he directed a comment at Mark.

"Why don't you come?"

"Ah no you are not using me as a shield."

Mark said with an unholy grin at Derek's scowling expression. He knew just how little Derek wanted to spend time with any of his sisters right now and understood his need to avoid or at least give Nancy more targets which is what he would be if he went with them.

"You're an ass."

Derek muttered seeing his last chance at salvation flying out the window as Mark began to pack up his things.

"An ass with a spare ticket remember."

"Spare ticket?"

Claire asked in confusion as Derek shook his head but Mark only shrugged at her husband in response.

"I want him to come to Seattle with me."

"Are you going?"

"No."

"He should come."

"I told you I cant."

Claire found herself looking between the two men but when she looked in to her husbands blue eyes she knew what ever reason he had given Mark not to go was just an excuse. She would never forget the way he had been after the phone call last week, when he had admitted that he couldn't bear the idea of losing Meredith.

This was fear, what was stopping Derek was fear, fear that he might already have lost her and somehow that hurt more than if he had jumped at the chance to go with Mark. All week she had tried to distract herself from remembering the way he had told Meredith he loved her at the end of the call. The feelings that she had heard behind those three small words, emotion what was never there when he said them to her.

Over the years she had heard them exchange 'I love you' a million and one times but never had she heard Derek say it like that. She wanted to believe that the distance, the unrest and the missing her put it there, but it didn't ring true no matter how many times she told herself that's all it was. It wasn't as if she thought he didn't love her, she knew he did but what ever he was feeling for Meredith right now was eclipsing everything else.

"Claire come on tell him he should come..."

Mark insisted and suddenly she found two pairs of eyes on her with very different expressions. With a slow shrug of her own shoulders this time as she raised to her feet.

"We're late for dinner."

"Well aren't you a great help." Mark called after her as she left the room unable to listen to him try and persuade her husband to go to Seattle.

Derek's steps faltered as they approached the entrance to the restaurant Nancy had picked out for them to eat at. It was fancy, pretentious, obviously expensive and not where he would have chosen to eat his first real meal of the day after a fourteen hour shift. Claire, he knew would love it and by the look on her face she thoroughly approved of his sisters choice as she tugged on his hand to hurry him up.

"Come on we're already late."

"We could still cancel,"

Derek suggested resisting the pull with no real hope that Claire would ever agree to stand up his sister. She had been his first girlfriend to gain Nancy's full approval, and since then she had been intent on keeping it that way. There had only ever been two issues they differed on and so both chose to ignore them. One was the love of medicine that had infiltrated all of the Shepherd off spring and the other children.

Nancy had two boys and two daughters all under the age of ten and he knew if it was up to her there would have been more. Claire on the other hand had made it clear their possible children would have to wait. Wait for him to finish his residency and for her to reach partner in the advertising company and he had agreed. He wanted children, he always had, but if he had learnt anything from being a part of Meredith's early life it was that he would never want a child of his own to feel like an inconvenience. To suffer the neglect that she had, for them to ever think even for a moment that they came second to either his or his wife's career.

"Derek,"

Claire's voice snapped him from the haunting memories of the little girl who he wanted to save, to hold close and protect so that she never felt anything like that again.

"It was only a suggestion."

"Can you not do this one thing for me? We have not eaten a proper meal together in weeks, apart from at your mothers."

For a brief second Derek ignored the guilt pooling in his stomach in the urgent desire within him to avoid his sister. Deep down he knew he wasn't being fair to his wife, that he was hard to live with, that she didn't deserve this, but he couldn't help it and wished she could only understand how she had claimed so easily too.

"We could have that at home."

"Derek every night this week I have ate at home alone..."

"Okay, okay"

He gave in with a sheepish look, not giving her chance to finish as he rubbed his hands over his face. Trying to prepare himself mentally for the onslaught he knew was about to come his way from his sister as he opened the door to the restaurant.

There was ten years separating him and Nancy as the oldest and youngest, and Nancy took the role as the oldest very much to heart. He knew at the root of it all was how much she loved them but sometimes especially days like today he wished it wasn't so intrusive.

"Now see I really was expecting you to bring Mark to protect you little brother."

Nancy's greeted him as she held him close, an embrace that contained none of the abruptness of her voice before she moved on to Claire. Claire who gave his previous efforts away the moment she opened her mouth.

"He did try."

"Mark had more sense I see, though you might be surprised by tonight,"

Jack said with a mysterious smile for his brother in law as Derek took the seat opposite him. The very first time he had met his future brother in law Derek had been an eleven year old boy who along with Mark had gone out of his way to terrorise his four sisters, and by extension their boyfriends. What Jack remembered most from their first meeting however was not the teasing, the million and one questions, but instead the little blonde girl who had constantly been at Derek's side. Who despite the fact Derek seemed to make his own sisters lives hell seemed to have him wrapped around her tiny finger. Meredith who had won him over with her large green eyes, and her way of seeming old beyond her years right up until the moment she laughed. An infectious irresistible giggle that wiped away every trace of the adult that lurked around her, leaving the six year old child she was meant to be.

Though he had been entranced she had held back, mistrusting, wary, scared to get too close. Nancy had told him not to push, to wait for her explaining in the process that the only males Meredith in any way trusted was Derek, and her father. It had taken years for her to let her guard down fully around him as surrounded by the love and security of the Shepherds she blossomed in confidence. Yet even with that her attachment to Derek and his to her had never waned and every time he had seen Derek over the last few weeks it still felt strange not to see Meredith at his side.

"Can we at least order before you really get into your stride?"

Derek's question snapped him from his thoughts as brother and sister held each others gaze. Blue locked with brown before maybe for the first time in history Nancy dropped hers first with an elegant shrug of her shoulders.

"I don't know what you mean, I just want to spend some time with you both that's all. "

"Oh come on, this is not the big sister I know, love and do my best to avoid." Derek teased starting to enjoy himself as Nancy seemed to visibly struggle with herself. He saw the amusement written all over her husbands face, and knew Jack was about to make everything that little clearer. "She rang Meredith before we left, and though my wife hasn't confirmed it I have a strong suspicion she has been black mailed in to silence." Jack voice was filled with obvious delight, and Derek found the first full natural laugh in a week falling from his lips.

"Mer blackmailed her..? Oh that is perfect!"

If his sisters had taught Meredith anything of use growing up it was how to get what she wanted. Blackmail had been their favourite way, and to their delight Meredith had picked the art up fast, proving to be a genius at gathering the little bits of information needed and had only improved with time. He had always considered himself to be safe, and had thought Nancy held the same position.

"The pupil becomes the master! What on earth has she got over you?"

"Like I am really going to tell you that."

"I could ask and she would tell me."

"Not this time... God knows why she used it to protect you though, it was worth a lot more."

"Hmm..."

Derek's soft hum was his only acknowledgement as his heart began to feel just that little lighter. To know that despite everything that was happening to them she had still done this. The fear that seemed to follow whenever he thought of her eased as he allowed the warmth of her gesture to momentarily wrap around him. It was a much needed reassurance that maybe they hadn't changed, maybe he hadn't lost her yet, that there really was a chance.

Claire sat next to him watched the shift of emotions play over his face as he digested what Nancy had told him. There was no missing the softening of the blue eyes, the relaxing of his mouth in to the most honest smile she had seen there in weeks.

Jealousy she really wished she didn't feel turned her cold as every insecurity she had tried so hard to fight resurfaced. The glass of wine suddenly filled in front of her the perfect distraction as she immediately picked up the glass, drinking quickly wanting to wash away the newly formed lump in her throat . This was not what she had expected for tonight, tonight she had wanted to be about them, to spend time as a couple, to feel like his wife again, but already only a few minutes in she knew it was not going to work that way.

"You ordered for us?"

Derek spoke again breaking the silence as he picked up the bottle the waiter had left behind causing the immediate return of the battle spark to Nancy's eyes as she straightened in her chair.

"Well you're late."

"I was in the O.R."

"There is no situation that that is not the perfect excuse for being late,"

Jack grinned causing Derek to wonder just exactly who was enjoying Nancy's predicament more out of the two of them. He liked Jack, he admired him, however he was pretty sure he would have admired anyone who could keep his eldest sister in line as well as Jack did.

"So apart from the blackmail how did Mer seem?"

"Fine, a little homesick maybe and she'd just finished a shift so tired but she's an intern, she'll spend the next year being constantly tired,"

The warmth that had been missing from Nancy's voice only moments ago was back immediately at his mention of Meredith.

"Medicine's in her blood, she's always wanted to be a surgeon, I can't see a lack of sleep changing that."

Jack murmured and a smile lit up Nancy's face as she turned her head to look at Derek

"Der do you remember when the three of you sneaked in to a gallery to watch a surgery?"

"To watch Ellis do a skin graft I remember. God she literally pulled the man's face off, I had nightmares for weeks after."

There was so much life in his voice, every word was animated that Claire did her best to block it out. To stop herself from having to acknowledge that it wasn't her that had caused the change, how a memory of Meredith could be worth more than everything she had tried to reach him. There was no escape however and without realising it her hand was again reaching for the wine bottle as the conversation carried on around her.

"Mer didn't so much as flinch the whole time though! She loved it, she was like a kid in a candy shop, she just wanted more."

Derek said with a laugh as he remembered how her need to see more had caused her to press her face up against the glass for a closer look. In the process blowing their cover and shocking the other occupants of the gallery who had previously not noticed them hiding out in the back.

"Mom had to come pick you up, but Ellis just didn't care, her only complaint was that the three of you getting caught had caused such a fuss! Mom managed to hold it in right up until she got you home then...."

"She went berserk!"

Derek finished for his sister, his voice dropping in volume as he continued.

"She was so concerned that Mer had been scarred in some way by what she saw and Meredith just couldn't understand why she was so upset. No one had ever cared enough to get so upset so she just sat there.."

"Well until she thought you were in real trouble and then that was it."

"She was a little hell cat,"

Derek's voice was filled with amusement as the memories played out in his mind. Of the little girl half his size who had blocked his mothers path from reaching him. Hands on her hips as she told his mother quite clearly that he had done nothing wrong that it had been all her idea, that she was not allowed to shout at him because he might get upset.

Only his amusement couldn't last with the images that followed. The tears that had welled in the big green eyes, tears Meredith had stubbornly refused to cry as she had slipped a tiny hand in to his own whilst asking his mother if she wasn't wanted any more because in her own words she had been bad. How his mother with tears in her own eyes had crouched down to her level, all anger forgotten as she'd tried to explain that wasn't how families worked. That when you loved someone it didn't stop just because they did something you didn't like, that there would never be a time she wouldn't be welcomed or loved by them all.

"She always tried to protect you, Mark could go hang but not you..." Nancy said as Jack nodded beside her.

"After tonight I think its safe to say that's still true. You know I've thought for a while she'll be a great surgeon, even better than Ellis."

"She will be."

Derek nodded with the utmost certainty. Meredith had something her mother never had and that was simply compassion, the capability to care about people.

"After me she'll be the best in the field."

"You have been spending far too much time with Mark Sloan."

Nancy muttered disgustedly with a shake of her head.

"Meredith was always the better influence."

Before Derek could answer or even consider defending his brother his attention was captured by the sight out of the corner of his eye of his wife reaching again to refill her glass for the third time since they had sat down. Claire was not a big drinker, she liked to be in control too much and the way she suffered the mornings after she had always claimed were not worth it. The only time she really indulged was when something was bothering her, a theory that held weight now as he studied her closely.

"You okay?"

"Do you care?"

"Excuse me?"

"It seems a viable question to me. Do you really care Derek?"

"Claire..."

"Well I'm not Meredith and she is all you seem to care about at the moment."

Claire didn't know where it had all come from but the moment she started it didn't seem possible to stop. Everything she had held in for the last few weeks suddenly refusing to be pushed back down into the box she had made for his and Meredith's closeness after the wedding.

"I'm not doing this now."

Derek hissed as the brown eyes of his wife stared belligerently back at him, demanding a response before she shrugged.

"Fine don't, there's nothing new there..."

"What's going on?"

Nancy demanded looking between the pair of them but Derek with his face blank belying the swirling emotion in the blue eyes only nodded at their food.

"Lets just eat."

"No Derek, Claire what is this about?"

"Don't you ever wonder what it is exactly my husband feels for his supposedly best friend."

Derek couldn't believe the words he was hearing and it seemed nor could Nancy as she stared speechlessly between the two but Derek knew it wouldn't last long and he was right as his sister jumped straight to his defence.

"Claire they have been best friends for well forever, I'm not making excuses either but he misses her..."

Claire only waved her hand, dismissing her answer, her eyes on Derek alone.

"Do you love her?"

"What?"

"Do you love Meredith, is that it...?"

"I'm not doing this. Thanks for dinner." Derek pushed back from the table and got to his feet. He knew that he should sit back down and talk, but he simply could not. He needed air, he needed to breathe and he needed to be where his wife couldn't ask those questions from him.

"Derek..."

"I'll call you." Derek told his sister his back already to the table as he walked away leaving the table behind him in shocked silence.

"Claire what was that? I know how he's been but he misses her, he's..."

"No Nancy you don't know how it's been. Ever since Meredith left it has felt like he left with her and I have tried to understand, to be there but what can I do when the one person my husband wants is not me..."

"Derek doesn't handle losing people well."

Jack said softly reaching across to remove the wine glass from her now slack fingers, but Claire shook her head before letting it drop in to her hands. She hadn't meant to say what she had but hearing him talk about Meredith seeing his face more alive than he had been in so long it had been too much.

"I think its more I really do..."

Mark sprawled out on the couch, his eyes going back and forth between the game on the TV and the magazine in his hands looked up in surprise as the apartment door flew open and Derek walked right past him, and through to the kitchen. He heard the fridge open and slam shut before Derek was back, and sitting up Mark took the beer he held out to him before Derek dropped down beside him.

"Dinner not go well?"

"No."

"Wicked witch of the east?"

"Oh no Nancy was bribed to be nice so my wife decided to get drunk and lose the plot instead."

Derek muttered drinking heavily as he slowly felt himself relax as the alcohol seeped in to his was not his first stop after leaving the restaurant, his first blind walk had lead him to one place he had found himself avoiding of late. In the dim light he had found the familiar bench with ease, hesitating only to pull his coat tighter around himself before he had sat in the same place he had a million times before. His fingers making a rest for his chin as he stared out over the dark water. His peace had lasted only for a few minutes before his phone had started to ring. He hadn't answered that call or the five that followed as Claire's accusations had gone round and around his mind. He knew they were said in anger, fuelled by alcohol but despite that he also knew his wife had meant it. That it wasn't thoughts thrown out simply to hurt, to gain some kind of reaction it was exactly how she felt. His wife believed he was in love with another woman, not just any woman but with Meredith and he didn't want to hear it again.

"She didn't seem right earlier."

Mark said casually only for Derek's next words to shock him to the point where the beer that had just entered his mouth came flying back out.

"She thinks I'm in love with Meredith."

"Your joking?"

Mark stared at his best friend as he wiped the beer dripping from his chin with his sleeve but as Derek's gaze held his without wavering he shook his head.

"No obviously not."

"I just ... Am I missing her wrong?"

."I'm not sure there is a right way to miss someone."

Mark chose his answer carefully purposefully avoiding what he had wanted to say. How the visible hell Derek seemed to be living in, how quiet and withdrawn he had been was a reminder of an earlier time in their life, one he knew Derek would not appreciate him bringing up.

"She's my best friend, she's my Meredith, why is that so hard to get... Claire said she understood?"

"Maybe she never has,"

"I need more beer." Derek sighed draining the bottle as he pushed himself up from the couch causing Mark to shout out his next question knowing that it was a question Meredith would have wanted him to ask.

"Shouldn't you go home and talk?"

"I don't want to talk so just shut up and drink!" Derek said in a voice that told Mark clearly anything else would be pointless so instead he picked up the remote and turned up the volume.

"I can do that."

Claire laid in the dark unable to close her eyes when she knew Derek was awake beside her. His body was tense, his breathing shallow and it was almost possible to feel the unrest radiating from him. One of them had to speak and she knew him well enough to know it would not be him. Usually Derek yelled when he was angry, he yelled but ever since he had climbed in to bed an hour ago he had not spoken one word, not even to acknowledge her presence which told her he was already far past angry. With a deep breath Claire spoke in to the darkness asking the one question that had been bugging her ever since he had walked out of the restaurant.

"Where did you go?"

It was met with a heavy silence that seemed to stretch out for hours but it reality was only minutes. When he did at last speak his voice was cold.

"The dock's, then to Mark's, I needed to think."

The dock she knew that should have been her first guess but the alcohol had clouded her brain earlier to make any sane, realistic assumptions. It was a place he always went to think, a private place, one he had never offered to share with her.

"About Meredith?"

Claire regretted the words the second they were out of her mouth but there was no way to take them back.

"I love you, you are my wife, but I will not apologise for the fact I miss my best friend! You knew she was in my life when we met, when we fell in love and when we married, you said that was okay... You don't get to change your mind now. "

"Derek what am I supposed to think?"

"If it was Mark would you have asked that question tonight?"

"If it was Mark would you be acting like this?"

Derek stared into the darkness before he rolled over to face her.

"There is a difference, Mark is a grown man who hasn't for reasons I don't understand packed up and moved across the country. Mark has not suddenly decided he can't speak to me anymore."

"The job."

"No, no this has nothing to do with the job, I know her and all of that was just excuses..."

"You said Mark's a grown man but Meredith is an adult too, she's twenty seven, she's not a child..."

"You don't get it,"

"No I don't because ever since Meredith left you have barely spoken to me."

"Without her I don't know who I am...."

Derek remembered the last time he had tried to explain this thought process to her and how well it had gone down then, and now didn't seem to be any different.

"Who you are is my husband... You may want Meredith, you may need her but Derek I need you!"

Even in the darkness he could still see the hurt flash in the brown eyes,her lips trembled slightly and he felt guilt eat away at his insides, but it could not compete with the anger pumping through him.

"Why are you so worried about her Derek, I don't get it I really don't and I have tried..."

"Something is wrong with her. I know it okay, I can feel it in my gut... Something that she won't talk about, and Meredith tells me everything she always has, and whatever this is its causing me to lose her and that scares me. It makes me feel sick to my stomach because she is my best friend."

"Maybe you should just let her go, if it is really what she wants then maybe you should do it."

"I can't...."

"Why? It doesn't have to be forever but just give her some time."

"When my dad died she stayed with me day and night, never left me, not once. I begged her too, screamed at her, did everything that caused the others too but she never did. She was grieving too, she loved him, but she put that aside for me. He was the second father she lost, she was only nineteen still so young and she carried the both of us."

Derek stopped to take a breath, wanting to keep control of his voice. He had never talked to Claire about his father other than the basic details, in fact the only person he ever did was was still to raw, too painful even now and he didn't think she would understand.

"She was there, and I know that I have to do the same now! I have to keep my promise to her, but its hard, without her is harder than I ever thought possible."

"What promise?"

Claire asked completely non plussed as she watched colour fuse into his pale skin

"It's nothing."

"Tell me?"

"I promised her when she was five she would never be alone again, that I would always be there for her and I won't break that."

"You were young..."

"It doesn't matter."

"Derek, you two are close but..."

Claire trailed off thinking close was the biggest understatement she could use and she found herself asking a question she was terrified of hearing the answer from him because she was pretty sure she already knew what he was going to say.

"Is this ever going to pass Derek, are you ever going to get over this,can you function without Meredith in your everyday life."

"I can't .. ..." He started but before he could go any further Claire cut him off as she sat up in bed.

"Go to Seattle with Mark, get the answers you need, make sure she's okay because I'm not okay Derek, and we wont be unless this is sorted. I've shared you for so long, is it too much to ask you to put what I need first"

"I can't..."

"How is that you are scared of losing her, but not of losing what we have?"

"I'm not in love with Meredith."

Derek breathed as he watched her leave their bed, their room but he knew he wouldn't follow. Following would mean more questioning of feelings, questions that untill tonight he had never had to ask himself and he didn't want to start now because what Claire was suggusting could not be a possibility. Instead he would do as she wanted, he would go to Seattle, he would get his best friend back and prove to Claire that she was wrong.

_**I am not a fan what so ever of this chapter, it is no where near up to the standerd I would like but I wanted to post it so I can get the next one up sooner which is Mer/Der so all I ask is you please review....**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**I have been away way too long and I really do apologise for that... Real life has been manic but I am back now and mean to get out regular updates again... This would have been up last week but somehow whenever I save a chap word is saving it as read only, or just not bothering too, so it has taken time to get all the pieces of this Chap together in a way that they make sense ... But I've reinstalled it and so far so good so it's all back to normal!**_

_**It also did not help that I am so nervous about this chap; I would hate to disappoint anyone especially when you have waited so long so I can only hope you all like it...**_

_**Please Review and let me know what you think...?**_

_**.**_

**Complicated**

**Chap five**

**Part One**

Lent back against the railing, the rest of the hospital behind her, Meredith did her best to forget it existed as she stared out over the Seattle skyline. None of the beauty of the city basking in all its glory as the sun rose could today reach past the memory of a different city, or stand for more than what was missing from her life. She tried to pretend she wasn't here, that she was on the other side of the country in New York; the place where she had left her heart as she concentrated on thoughts of the one person she knew would take all of upset away. More than ever she craved Derek, his calming presence, the feel of his arms around her as he held her close whispering it was all okay, that everything was going to work out, that she wasn't alone because right at this moment in time that was how it felt. It was an unshakable, unsettling feeling that had taken a firm hold of her last night after she had made the mistake of visiting her mother without giving her the time needed to build up the walls around herself.

From the second she had sat down across from her mother she had realised her mistake. Ellis had thought she was her intern, and in between barking orders at her about incorrectly filled in charts, and patient care she had more unsettlingly for Meredith began reliving the time after they had arrived in New York. It had been painful enough to hear Ellis talk with so little respect of Caroline and Christopher Shepherd, to hear her ridicule their constant protestations about the young hers welfare. It was an unwanted reminder of best-forgotten memories of the three adults arguing, Ellis's anger and bitterness filtering through the walls of the Shepherd house as her, Derek and the girls had crouched on the stairs listening. At that age, she hadn't been able to understand the words, but the shocked faces on the others had told their own story. Back then, she had tried to block it out, covering hers ears as Derek's arm wrapped around her shoulders, and yesterday she had had to fight the urge to disappear into child like avoidance tactics as Ellis's words had stabbed through her with icy precision. Speaking so casually about her relief when they had in Ellis's own words stepped in and taken Meredith off her hands, her distaste as their continued determination to make her play an active parental role, how it would have been better for them all if Meredith had never been born, the trouble it would have saved. Meredith had tried to close off from the memories, but it was too hard not to get pulled in, to be taken right back to that time twenty-two years ago.

Homesickness stronger than she had felt before had hit hard, as she had concentrated on the happier times rather than those evoked by Ellis's words however, it was no real barrier as they had finally sunk through. With them came to her already worn out body and mind every ounce of loneliness that had weighed heavy then on her young shoulders. The crippling knowledge she had known even then that she would never be enough for her mother no matter what she did or achieved. Ellis had soon followed those musings with her dislike of the way the young Meredith had followed Derek around, of their closeness, the weakness in Meredith that had made her seem to need him, all the time talking as if she was addressing a stranger. It was an opinion Meredith had heard more than once in her life, and could remember with ease the lectures addressed to her back then on the same subject. Many a time Ellis had tried to ban her from seeing Derek in the early days, yet it never lasted, not when her nannies came and went and the Shepherds home offered such an easy option of somewhere to leave Meredith and not have to worry about time constraints.

The whole conversation however had left her feeling like that confused lost little girl again. The child who had clung to Derek all those years ago, who had always viewed the older boy as the safe port in the constant storm that living with Ellis Grey as a mother was. She had found herself wishing more than anything that he was within reach, just as he always had then. Yet as with any criticism of Derek came the fire that had burned inside in his defence, and it had taken everything in her to mentally step back and bite down on the urge to correct her. Her mother was not here, not really, there was no use in explaining why Derek had been so important, what he and his family had given her that Ellis never had. Security, love, encouragement, and reassurance, things that all children should feel but that she had only found after Derek had brought her into the protective circle of the Shepherd family. It would have been useless to do so to a lucid Ellis, Meredith knew that, so there was nothing for her to do but sit there and listen. Listen as the cold started to seep into her, her mother's regrets on having her, the burden she was, echoing around her mind until she had stumbled out of the nursing home to her car, and headed straight for Joe's bar.

The sole purpose to her going there had been to drown herself in a bottle of Jose, all alone, safe in the knowledge her friends would be at the hospital for the next few hours, not around to ask awkward questions. The one person she hadn't considered was Michael, and in what seemed to be his habit he had found her there and refused to leave. Taking the seat beside her at the bar, he had tried his best to match her shot for shot, returning all her scowls with warm smiles, not even blinking at her demands to be alone. It had struck her the moment he had put the third shot to his lips and she had seen the tell tale flicker of a grimace that he was the second man to attempt to do this, stand by her as she attempted to find peace at the bottom of a bottle of tequila. However, whereas Derek had had years of practise at her side after a run in with Ellis Michael clearly hadn't and she had found herself taking pity on him. Now twelve hours later she was not sure whether the tequila had worn her down or his persistence, but she had ended up accepting his company and that of her friends as they drifted in after finishing their shifts. Too drunk to care about the looks passed between Izzie and George or the knowing gleam in Christina's eyes the only other emotion that had reached her through what she was feeling was guilt. Guilt because in her heart of hearts she had known just as she did now that she had used Michael's willing company as a replacement for Derek. A position he could never hope to fill and one she knew she should never expect from him. If they were to have anything, if she was to follow Caroline and Christina's advice then it had to be done without comparing him to Derek, wanting him to be Derek and she wasn't sure if that could ever be possible.

Last night only proved that when she finally got home and realised Derek hadn't called. That there was no voicemail to close her eyes too. That for the first time in a week she would need to go to sleep without the soothing lull of his voice to guide her there. The reassurance of his whispered promise that he was still here for her, that gave hope for a future where they could still be them. Or the three words that he ended his every message with that never failed to hurt, yet she could never end the call before he had whispered them. The truth was she had come to rely on the voicemails, not only to go to sleep, but to get up and carry on the next day. She needed them to believe that one day soon they could be Meredith and Derek again. Without that, she had spent the night tossing and turning, her cell phone clutched loosely in her fingers unable to settle, leading this morning to exhaustion that clung around her every move, adding to her overall feeling of unease.

She had almost called Nancy to find out firsthand what had happened over dinner but somehow she had known as she did now that his silence was not to be laid at Nancy's feet. She had used one of her juiciest pieces of information to blackmail Nancy a feat she had never expected to complete to give Derek a free pass on the lectures Nancy had planned. Instead, they were dealt out to her in all its glory, how selfish he was behaving, how distant he was, but nothing she hadn't heard before in their calls. However unlike Derek Meredith was able to shrug them away where as she knew Derek would have ended the meal angry, bitter and resenting Nancy when right now she knew he needed the people who loved him whether he knew it or not.

"I thought I might found you here,"

Michael spoke softly for two reasons, one not to draw attention to them from the few people using the bridge at this early hour but more importantly not to startle her. He had been stood watching her for the past few minutes, hesitating on whether to approach or to leave her to whatever thoughts were holding her so captive. The urge however to be close to her, to speak to her had won out just as it had last night, when he had first spotted her knocking shots back like a pro.

"Hey,"

Meredith turning her head at the sound of his voice tried to focus on the brown eyes watching her with such concern, not to see blue as she fought to push Derek and his continued silence to the back of her mind.

"You do know if you're looking to hide, this is not a great spot... Anyone who knows the littlest of your routine know you come here on a morning."

"Are you stalking me?"

"Maybe?"

With the teasing grin she had come to associate with him, Michael pushed the coffee in to her hand as he lent on the railing next to her earning a grateful smile in thanks. Though she was smiling, he didn't miss the shadows around her eyes, which told of a night of little sleep, the tightness around her mouth as she did her best to smile at him in thanks.

"I was starting to wonder..."

"Well as you're the only victim and you get free coffee, I think you should be flattered."

"I'll try to be,"

Meredith nodded a more natural smile flaring in response to his banter as she returned her gaze back to scene in front of them. Contented silence lasting a few moments before he spoke again.

"It's not New York but it's something."

Michael realised the mistake of his words the moment they were out of his mouth and any trace of a smile disappeared from Meredith's face, her lips tight as she forced with obvious effort words past them.

"Yeah it is."

"You okay?"

When he had first seen her at Joe's last night despite the way she was knocking back shots she had looked so young and lost as if the whole world was weighing on her shoulders and she was using Tequila to try to fight it off. Though once again her body language had screamed that she wanted to be alone, just like this morning it was beyond his power of self-control to do that. Even when she had made it clear she wasn't in the mood for company, he hadn't been able to leave. The urge in him to know her, to take away the sadness that surrounded her made it impossible to do so. It demanded he stay even when he was near certain he was not the one she had wanted there at her side but in the end, she rewarded him for his persistence. Though with the raging headache he had woken up to this morning he had wondered right up until laying eyes on her now if it had been much of a reward.

"I'm... I'm fine."

"No hangover?"

"Jose and I are old friends, we have an agreement. You ?"

"I think he may not like me so much. You have a scary appetite for shots Dr Grey has anyone ever told you that?"

"The reward of a miss spent youth,"

Meredith's grin flickered back into place not just at his admittance but also at the happier memories that had her at that level of tolerance with the spirit

"Oh really, maybe something I can hear about over lunch?"

"I... ..."

Meredith stumbled over an answer as her mind automatically filled with memories of the two men whom she had so often shared a bottle of Tequila. Mark who liked to push her with drinking games, competitions of last one standing and then Derek who despite joining in would always be watching for the moment she hit her limit. Then the less happier times when Derek after runs ins with Ellis would be waiting to pick up the pieces; sit with her all night if necessary, holding her hair back and forcing water down her throat. He would hold her as she fell asleep, reminding her in hushed whispers the whole time that she had him, that he loved her and that she belonged with them, that no one else mattered.

After Ellis had called with the news she had early onset Alzheimer's he had done it on an almost nightly basis the summer before she left for Dartmouth as she had tried to find some way to deal with the news. That whole summer she had woken the same way the morning after, wrapped in Derek's arms, cradled to him so that she was lying more on him than the couch and not once did he utter one complaint. He had just been there for her, the one person who made her feel it was okay to breakdown, with him she didn't need to always be strong, that she could allow him to take over and he wouldn't let her down and he never had . Even now when all they had built was crumbling around them he was still there for her, and that's what shook her most about last night. It had to be something for Derek not to call; he would never do so on a whim or in a fit of anger. Anger may have lead him to call and not leave a voicemail in protest of what they had become but not to call that wasn't him.

"Say yes in the spirit of friendship..."

Michael encouraged with a grin as he tapped her coffee cup with her own again, bringing her away from Derek once again, and guilt flooded Meredith at the look on his face. The sincerity in the brown eyes, how eager he obviously was to know her, and she wished once again that she could be the girl he obviously wanted her to be. It was who she needed she knew that, Michael was the one she was sure if anyone was going to change how she felt for Derek it would be him. It pushed her to nod when looking down she watched his free hand come up to the railing to cover hers, squeezing softly a caress so gentle and quick if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes she would have been sure she imagined it.

"Okay..."

* * *

The cab pulling up across the street from the hospital with a screech ended the all too short ride from the airport to Seattle Grace, and for a split second staring through the rain at the glass-fronted building Derek contemplated leaning forward, and telling the driver to carry on. To drive and not stop until they were back at the airport, because he wasn't ready to face his fears he wasn't sure he ever would be. But as Mark lent forward to pay the cab driver, he knew his chance was gone the moment he had stepped into Mark's apartment this morning. Mark would never allow him to run away, he would remind him they needed to do this, he needed to get laid and to do that he had to make sure Meredith was okay. Derek also knew beyond a doubt and all his fears he needed to do this; he needed not to have Claire's drunken accusations echoing on repeat inside his head. Accusations that made him pause, his heart beat faster causing his blood to pound through his veins and fill him with an insistent need to think about something that had always seemed so perfectly simple and right. Seeing Meredith, fixing this, healing them would prove he was right, there was no need for Claire to think like that, and most of all that he did not have to question his need for Meredith. That this was about his concern and love for his best friend, about keeping his promise.

"You okay man?"

Mark voice unusually soft laced with the same anxiety and puzzlement that had been in his eyes last night when he had tried to persuade him to come to Seattle and when Derek had walked into his apartment just before dawn.

"I'm fine."

"You picked that habit up from Grey, you realise fine doesn't mean fine anymore...?"

"I just need her to be okay; I need this to be okay,"

Derek was unable to stop himself from snapping in reply, before taking a deep breath and finally opening the door, stretching out his limbs that had felt cramped ever since they had gotten off the plane.

He felt torn in two, both parts of him completely obsessed with thoughts of Meredith that drove everything else from his mind. Beyond desperate to see her, Derek wanted nothing more than to see her smile at him, to know she was okay even more than he cared about proving Claire wrong. Yet with the same intensity of feeling, he was terrified. Terrified of the possible rejection he may at her hands, in the one person he needed most, his last hope snatched from his fingers, and finding that he really had lost her, and he had to learn how to do this, live without her. Losing Meredith was a scenario he couldn't imagine let alone prepare for; he would never be ready to face the possibility of knowing this was it. That from this day he would have to find some way to live without her.

Wondering if Mark would understand that thought better than Claire had he looked across the car roof, and found at the sight that met him his mouth relaxing from its tense frown in a fight not to smile. Up until now, he had been sure he would not do so again until all this was over, until he had his best friend back. However, he hadn't counted for the sight of Mark after only a few moments out of the protection of the car huddled in to his leather jacket, his collar flicked up to try and find some protection from the drizzling rain as his face set in an expression of utter misery.

"God I hate Seattle all ready."

Mark muttered scowling at Derek's look of amusement, watching in disdain as he grabbed his bag from the trunk, and did the opposite turning his face skywards, seeming to revel in the feel of the wet mist as it hit his skin.

"Mer must love this weather,"

"She always was difficult."

Mark threw back and Derek was shocked to find that the sound of laughter was his own as he patted Mark's shoulder.

"You're always grumpy when you're not getting laid."

"I am not, I'm fine."

"Ha!"

"Shut up. Now come on I need to get out of this rain, see Grey and into the arms of the nearest willing female."

Mark started to move but stopped at the realisation his best friend wasn't following. The look on Derek face was the one he had worn when he had first asked him to come to Seattle, that look of panic, fear bright in the blue eyes and Mark found himself retracing his steps.

"Come on, I can't go in on my own I'm not the one Mer is going to be interested in seeing... Just forget the last few weeks, the crap that came out of Claire's mouth last night and concentrate on her..."

"What if she doesn't want me here?"

"Seriously? This is Meredith Grey we are talking about right. I know you two have gone all weird on me but this is the same girl who blackmailed the wicked witch of the east last night, who made me follow your sorry ass around and calls every night...."

"To leave a voicemail."

"She still calls, come on man up Shep this is about making sure she's okay,"

"So you can get laid."

"Exactly."

Derek could not help the smile that tugged on his lips and for a moment, he felt like everything was going to be okay as he nodded taking his first step towards Seattle Grace but more importantly towards Meredith.

* * *

Meredith took a sniff of the sandwich and groaned as she dropped it back into the packet, and pushed it away from her, bringing the only other occupant of the tunnels gaze to her.

"So when I suggested lunch, you know this wasn't quite what I had in mind."

Michael murmured from his position on the stretcher sat against the wall alongside hers. Yet the moment the smile lit her face, amusement shining in her green eyes he took back every complaint that had popped into his mind over the last few minutes.

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not. I just hope you don't bring all your first dates here or am I special?"

"This isn't a date."

Meredith clarified with a shake of her head as she drank from her bottle of water opening the bag of chips before offering one to her smiling companion.

"And neither was last night at Joe's, friends remember."

"So as friends why couldn't we eat in the cafeteria?"

"Because that's where everyone eats."

"Including your friends."

"My nosy intrusive friends yes."

"Oh I get it; I'm your dirty little secret."

"No," Meredith protested laughter filling her voice again "Its just ..."

"You don't want people to talk about you... You're the daughter of Ellis Grey; you don't want to be the intern dating the 3rd year resident as well."

"Yeah because we're not dating ... Last night at Joes it was casual, colleagues, a group of us, but if we have lunch it changes that, people will see more."

"So how about tonight I take you out for dinner, soak up some of the alcohol from last night?"

Michael saw her mouth open but before she could get the words out, he nodded a reasuring smile in place.

"As friends, I remember the rules."

"Good."

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a maybe."

"I can work with maybe's..."

Looking at the woman beside him Michael found that same warmth as he reached out a hand to stroke the dark circles under her eyes, waiting for her to relax at his touch

"You seem a little brighter than earlier, still tired though."

"I'm an intern...!"

Meredith tried to shrug but he obviously wasn't fooled as he nodded his brown eyes all seriousness as he looked down to where his hand was touching hers.

"Friends they share the important things just so you know..."

"I..."

Her pager going off saved her from an answer she just didn't have.

"Come on."

Allowing her to lead the way Michael followed her back to the nurses' station and nearly bumped into her as she came to a sudden halt, his arms coming out to hold her waist to steady them both, yet Meredith was paying him no attention as she stared ahead, transfixed. Following her gaze Michael found himself looking at two men nearer his own age than Meredith's, dressed in street clothes but still managing to look at home in the hospital. The taller of the two was talking to the nurse at the desk, the dark haired one looking around as if searching for someone and Michael knew it was the girl stood like a statue in front of them that had brought them here.

"Do you know them?"

"I can't believe he came."

"An ex?" Michael took advantage of her shock relief flooding through him at the sudden shake of her head

"No its... well he's, they are... he's Derek."

The feel of his name on her lips, the sight of him there infront of her, actually here in Seattle had her moving forward as nothing else could. Forgetting everything, all the reasons why she should hold back and doing what came naturally to her.

"Mer,"

Derek breathed turning in time to see her as she made her way to him. For the last few minutes he had been stood beside Mark listening to him as he continued to flirt with the nurse long after he had persuaded her to page Meredith whilst taking in the space around him, the same as he had been doing ever since they had stepped inside the lobby. He had been doing it almost obsessively wanting to memorise every inch of the place that had Meredith now, where she spent most of every waking hour so that he could imagine her here once they left. Not only that but it helped to calm his nerves, the doctor inside of him spotting every difference between Seattle and New York, and though he didn't want to be impressed he couldn't help but be.

The study lasted right up until he had felt someone watching him, not just anyone, it was a distinct feeling, one that had grown after years of being inseperable and it had only been confirmed by the soft gasp his name made as it passed her lips. He'd almost smiled at the way she had said his name as if it answered every question alone, but the smile died before it could form as the green eyes rose to meet his as she came quickly towards him. It felt as if he couldn't breathe as he waited for her to make the first move, fear beyond anything he had felt before welled up inside him before she was there flinging herself into his arms and for the first time in weeks he felt complete.

It was as her hands clasped around his neck that Derek realised the greeting was instinctual. That what he had been imaging for the last few weeks as an important decider in where he stood was not as he'd thought the moment that would count. It was what happened after, but right now he was willing to settle for this. For the joy of Meredith wrapped in his arms, her face pressed into his neck as his feet moved on their own in a small circle completing their greeting as he had done a million times before, as his father had done before him .

"I have missed you...," He whispered into her hair, taking a moment to breathe her in as she buried herself that little closer and Derek welcomed her as the same need flooded through him. He couldn't get enough of her, the perfect way she fit in his arms as her smell soothed him as nothing else could. This was Meredith, his Meredith, his best friend and he didn't want to ever let her go.

"Your here."

Meredith felt like every wish had come true and she couldn't help the sob that threatened to break free as the lonliness, the effect of missing him these last few weeks, coping without him flooded through her in one giant wave causing her to shudder in his arms,.

"I promised I always would be."

Derek whispered feeling the wetness on his neck and clutched her tighter to him.

"Don't cry, I'm here it's okay, everything's okay..."

His words the ones she had most wanted to hear turned her sob into half a laugh of pure relief, and after allowing herself one more moment of this, of being held by the man she loved, by her best friend Meredith raised her head. Stood in the circle of his arms, leaning back to look up at his face the world shrank until it centred on a pair of blue eyes shining brightly down at her. Right now, they shone with a confusing mixture of two oposites. Of unadulterated happiness and of concern, but she wasn't fooled all too soon they would fill with the questions he had been left with after she had left. Questions that had caused the forced distance between them. It was impossible to keep things from Derek and it was that, that had her asking her next question

"What are you doing here?"

"It's Mark's idea, and Nancy said you were homesick, and I couldn't stay away..."

Derek said saying the first thing that popped into his head, missing out Claire's accusations. His hand with a mind of its own reached up to stroke the blonde hair as he had wanted to do the day he stared down at her photo in his mothers kitchen, and Meredith leaning in to his familiar touch found herself nodding , fighting back the tears that threatened again as his lips pressed against her forehead.

"I was, but I'm not now."

It was said more to herself than him but when his grip tightened on her she knew he had heard as his chin dropped to rest on her head both knowing this moment had to end as Derek sighed .

"No nor me... "

"I've missed you so much."

"Its not much fun being the one who's left behind either... I need us Mer, I love you, your my best friend I don't know how to be me without you to keep me in line."

It was those three words jumping out at her that had her drawing back as nothing else could, but Derek reading her aswell as he always had was holding her too tightly for her to take more than a step back, putting room between them as reality came rushing back. The reminder of where she was, who was stood a few feet behind her waiting for her, but more importantly, who was stood just over Derek's shoulder.

"Come here."

Mark said a grin on his face as he pulled her from Derek's hold into his own, masking his concern with a laugh as he swung her off her feet into a bear hug, his eyes the whole time glued to Derek face, the look of loss that was holding him tense as unshed tears caused the blue eyes to shine .

"You Grey have been giving me serious problems,"

_**I've redone this chapter so many times and edited it so much that I cant bear to read it anymore so I apologise for the mistakes and whats lacking from the chapter... **_


End file.
